A short guide to wasting time without incurring guilt

Ah, procrastination. It's a beautiful thing. There is truly nothing I enjoy more than letting the hours, or in many cases, days slip away with absolutley no financial, emotional or any other positive factor of my life increased in any way whatsoever. This guide will take you through three steps, after which you will be one of a select few that know the secrets to effective and productive procrastination. Wait! You may say...Is that not a paradox?! Indeed it is. We are not concerned with the laws of language and common sense, though...we are procrastinators!

Step one: Plain Procrastination - the RIGHT way! What exactly is procrastination? If you don't know, stop reading now. The knowledge contained within this text may be too much for your hardworking little brain. For those of you that have spent at least two hours doing absolutely nothing, I congratulate you! You are well on your way! Now, the trick to real procrastination is to do absolutely nothing for extended periods of time. When I say nothing, I mean it. None of this staring into space crap! To be a master procrastinator, you should be able to lose large chunks of your life (in five hour or longer segments) without even realising it. You may have trouble doing this at first, but keep on practicing, you'll eventually get it! When you do, you'll be ready for step two!

Step two: How to look like you're being productive This is the most difficult thing you'll ever train yourself to do. This is where common sense tries to take over. You have to remember. Common sense and the rules of physics, morals and ethics do no apply to The Master Procrastinator!

Here's my list of top five things that make you look productive while you're actually close to comatose. (This is only to help you get started. Every person has a different "activity" that he or she can "perform" convincingly.)

  1. Surf the Internet
  2. Take a Bath
  3. Write for Everything2.com
  4. Study for a test
  5. Have some "me-time"
  6. Number five makes it easy to waste time, because you have nobody to convince that you're busy but yourself!

These are all activities that allow you to "switch off". And therein lies the secret. You can easily tap away at a few random keys on a keyboard and look busy. Repetition is the key! As mentioned before, this is the most difficult step to master, but when you do, the last step is peanuts!

Step three: Guilt? What on earth is that?! If step two was the most difficult, then step three - our final step - is the most rewarding! You can now simply throw away parts of your life effortlessly...but how do you feel afterwards? Do you feel you could have used that time for a much better purpose? RUBBISH! In today's world, your time isn't your time anymore! Procrastination is the way to take back your own time. You have to change your way of thinking! And it's simple! Basically, if you can't have your own time, NO ONE may have your time! But that's selfish, I hear you say. Nonsense! If you don't look out for yourself, who will? It's your right to take back your own time! Once again, procrastination is the way to do it! You have no reason to feel guilty about wasting time, and don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise!

That's it! I hope that this guide has motivated you to go out and do nothing! Keep in mind, though, that it is only a guide. Use it to get ideas, to get started...and then finish the "job" on your own initiative!