October 29, 2000 (thing)

i've never been an extrovert
but i'm still breathing
i've always been an introvert
happily bleeding

- Placebo

i've always been shy. not just shy, i mean i am shy. when i moved to Texas i went two and a half years without talking to anybody. i went and saw Romeo and Juliet at the campus theatre on Valentine's Day and the only empty seat in the place was right next to me. alone in a nation of twos somehow my bumbling self managed to pick up some friends and a girlfriend or two along the way. some bad stuff happens. lose a lot of friends. lose my girlfriend who also happened to be my best friend. and for about a year it was just me again. still had some friends left. more aquaintances really in that i'd rarely talk to them or do anything with them. centrifugal force and all that. basically i'd go to a rawk show! see maybe one or two people i knew, say hi, talk a little. go home. not see them again untill the next show. repeat.

six months ago. i start talking to people a little more(but only people i know already) when i'm alone on Friday night i might actually try calling one or two people before drowning my sorrows in Sega. i grow steadily more dissatisfied with my life.

about a month ago it starts becoming more than i can take. and i met her briefly for the first time that night. well, not really met. saw. i was with mike who knows her. he talked with her a bit and i , of course, just stood back and kinda looked at my feet. corduroy pants. i was hooked from the start. a few days later, it happens. instead of sitting around depressed about it all the time, looking at the paxil website frequently, but never doing anything. i suddenly decide that from that point on that i'm going to be more social and outgoing and that i can do it without the help of drugs. that night was the Joan of Arc show at Rubber Gloves. it's amazing what a difference it makes by just talking to those friends of friends that you don't know. i feel like i'm networking. it feels a little weird. but i like it. i'm outside talking to mike. she shows up. and you'd laugh if you knew exactly what a big deal this is for me but i actually introduce myself to her!

yes that was the longest exposition ever just to tell you i talked to a girl

after the show we all go to Denny's to hang out. short dark hair, pale complextion, glasses, good dresser, initial conversation seems to point to funny and intelligent also. and she even drives a Volkswagen. damnit cody, if you're not careful you're going to fall hard for this girl. the rawk show/Denny's scenario happens a couple more times. and i'm not careful. Friday night, the Broadcast show. we all hang out at my apartment afterwords. now, the old cody would have been happy to just secretly crush on this girl indefinately. but the new cody is tired of letting so many opprotunities pass him by. he just doesn't know how to do anything about it. talking to girls is easy. but i don't even know where to start with asking girls out. additionally i'm worried that any failed attempt on my part would of course just make things awkward and she probably wouldn't want to really be around me anymore. fear of rejection isn't so big of an issue as it has been in the past. it's just that, well, i've talked enough with her now to know that i'd still really like to be friends with this girl even if she weren't helluva cute. and a growing friendship isn't something i'd want to just toss to the wind.

Platonic Limbo

last night all the Halloween Parties were going on. she came by to borrow my Devo jumpsuit and energy dome for a costume party that was going on. i went off to the good/bad to take part in a little show mike and some other guys i know were putting on. they formed a boy band called N2U(N2U is in to you!) yeah, cheesy. the wrote a song, got some boy band type clothes. worked out some dance moves. i played the part of the crazed fan. originally the plan was to show up unannounced and perform at as many of the parties that night as we could, but after the good/bad show a couple of the members wussed out. so we set out looking for parties to just, well, party at. i went home and changed into my Vyvyan outfit and off we went. one bad party, one party that we couldn't find and we end up at the costume party she was at. i quickly try to drown enough inhibitions in alchohol so that maybe i'll start talking to her and ad-lib the whole asking out thing.. mike and james(my ride) leave. a bit later the party ends. not drunk enough to hit on her yet but all of us too drunk to drive we all crash on the floor. i sleep well at first but once the sun comes up most of my time is spent awake, her slumbering peacefuly just two feet away, and me trying desperately not to look over at her. this says it better than i ever could.

she drops me off at my apartment, i pour my heart out into New Writeups. and here i am.