Scar tissue that I wish you saw
Sarcastic mister know it all
Close your eyes and I'll kiss you 'cause
With the birds I'll share
With the birds I'll share
This lonely view
-Scar Tissue, Chili Peppers
Out of all the horrible names people have called me throughout the course of my life, there is only one that has ever stuck: crazy. Why would I care if someone called me crazy? Normally I wouldn't, but this time the words came from someone I held in very high regard. She didn't say it to be mean, or out of spite or even just to tease; she said it because it's true.
It's difficult to describe what loneliness feels like when you're in the middle of a massive group of 19-25 year olds all cheering on the two girls and one guy that are stripping on the counter top for money for yet another keg. Suffice it to say, it's not the greatest feeling in the world. From the very middle of a friendly crowd of my own drunken peers, I sought solitude. And cigarettes.
Things are happening around me. People walk in and out of my life so quickly they hardly seem real-- blurry shadows, too distant to really make out who they are. Words, powerful words at that, are thrown around like toys in a sadistic game of philosophical cat-and-mouse. People who are given authority become corrupted-- this is a simple idea that is fast becoming law in my mind.
People, places, memories, emotions: they all lose value as the very foundations of my life crumble under the undeniable reality of the real world. Science, with its absolutes, becomes a way to find order and control in a chaotic world that revolves around passions and feelings and other people. Love becomes a chemical equation, triggered by the presence of the right hormones and ended by the presence of the right people. Or the wrong people, whichever you prefer.
Somewhere beneath this layer of bullshit there is a life; a life with purpose and meaning, a life that I could cherish. "So kiss me", she says, "and let's fall. Even if it sucks, we'll get back up. Let's fall, over and over again. After all, isn't life all about falling?"
Little does she know that down here, beneath all of their expensive shoes and away from their hateful gaze, there is a beautiful view. I suppose I'll share it with the birds.