Back before I was discredited in a disheartening fashion from my position as a fully tenured professor of ethics, I gave many lectures at many symposiums on issues of ethics. This is one of those lectures. This is written in scholarly language. If you are dimwitted (as many noders are) or prefer to be spoon fed information by freaking puppets who deliver bite sized information approved by the deep state, turn back now. This is not the place for you. This is Chinatown, baby.
I put that in for dramatic effect.
Hello brothers and sisters of the great state of ethics. Welcome to the annual meeting of Concerned Fully Tenured Professors of Ethics, United States of America Division. Thanks for attending.
I would like to speak to you today about the ethics of being in forests or a forest.
One of the things that deeply concerns me about this is the presence of many objects in the forest that can essentially be found in forests or a forest. These are objects of a primitive nature that are not found in your city or suburban neighborhoods. This can lead to people being unnaturally drawn to these objects and then making weird and unnatural attempts to have sexual discourse these objects which, it can be determined, are not designed for said purpose. Ibid.
Does anyone need a brief bathroom break? When you consider the ethics of this situation, a natural person being unnaturally drawn to a primitive object like a pine cone or deer is troubling. There are many considerations which need to be made. This is clear from Omar Vicar's text, which was covered in an earlier part of this seminar, as you all know. There is a clear violation of ethics if said pine cone finds its way into said natural person's behind. When considering the ethical point of view, we must, as ethicists, attempt to stop this cause and effect process dead in its tracks. This is clear from the text.
In the fall of 1977, the first year that modern ethicists began recording data on this, there were 17 cases of anal pine cone insertions reported for the entire season. This year, with autumn still months away, we have had 218 reported cases. Clearly there is an ethical issue in play.
A woman may have sex with a dolphin in forests or a forest. This is uncalled for. In today's society, by the metrics we have today by which to judge and condemn particular human behaviors we find distasteful. it is clearly unacceptable. Thusly, this proves the (non-mathematical) equation before us: Women having sex with dolphins in forests or a forest is uncalled for by today's societal metrics.
It is said in many places that the forest can be an "enchanted" or "gay" place. We may be certain that we can draw several meanings from this. We are aware, thusly we act upon said impulse to act accordingly. This is reported in Wallace and Gromley, Third Edition.
One of the things I do when I go out to a restaurant is to bring my own marinade. This establishes a protocol in the relationship between myself and the people being forced to make me food by the laws of the U.S. Constitution, Fifth Edition. I instruct them to marinade my meat in the marinade I brought for an appropriate amount of time before preparing it as I request. And I do bring backup with full military training in case there are any issues of confrontation betwen restaurant staff and myself over these matters. We can apply the same principles to bringing an end to enchanted forests, which are a virtual breeding ground for elves.
In a standard modality, forests or a forest have a definite allure. When you see a rotting log or azure blue sky, you have a natural, completely human need to have sexual relations with these things. It is located in the cerebellum of our animal nature. This must be addressed through the use of boot camp type places with absolutely zero oversight or regulation, but until we can create an effective process to do this, we have to be willing to accept the harsh truths about human existence. That pile of acorns could unlock secret sexual potential within you if you give those acorns an opportunity to be part of the pleasure centers of your brain, as discussed by Phyllis Hornby in her 1952 seminal work, In The Forests (or A forest). What she does not touch on is how enchanted forests impact a non-enchanted (Christian) person's sensibilities. Dancing teapots, talking trees, and dressers that won't fit through doorways are difficult to resist for someone who hasn't had appropriate sexual relations with either a prostitute, harem girl, or wife you acquired through a series of questionable online business deals.
As an extremely above average human, I have certain insights about enchanted forests that average people (or below average people like noders) are unaware of. If you good people at this symposium are unfamiliar with what a "noder" is, this is a person of the everything2.com brand website who actively writes things, like an idiot, that only three or four people will ever read in this lifetime. This shows extremely limited intelligence and reasoning ability, whereas I have had hundreds of bestselling novels published through Random House, which pulls down a readership of 16 million daily, often with more at peak reading times on the weekends and on cold winter mornings (Raisen Miller, pgs 67-89).
In an enchanted forest, those objects that already have a natural draw for humans prone to sexual arousal gain a new kind of power. They can actively pursue sexual involvement with humans rather than sitting there waiting to be acted upon by a sexual aroused human. They can play a part in the unfolding sexual drama that is now unnaturally occurring through the use of enchantment. This is not just unnatural, it is worrisome. And it can be a problem for modern adults looking to live a happy, sexually fulfilling lifestyle, as noted in Raisen Miller's excellent text. If you are even half the Raisen Miller fanboy that I am, you will see my point with absolute clarity here. Thank you. The rest rooms are down the hall on the right.
When Raisen Miller was engaged in his sketchy sojourns into forests or a forest in the 1930s and 1940s, as well as in the 1820s and 1960s, he uncovered a treasure trove of enchanted forest objects. One of these objects, which he called a deer, would often move on its own to the point of darting away when startled. What he believed to be a painting or bas relief sculpture of a bird shocked him when it took flight. These proofs of enchantment encouraged his later research in the 1880s when he was hired by the British Monarchy to point out the objects they needed to be most concerned about when taking a sojourn into the forest, as royal types are often want to do (See recent streaming programs about British royal persons for more information on this). There is, of course, an underlying concern that a particularly well designed and valuable vase could father the next regent of that planet.
Now, as you go on into this next break in this year's conference and mingle with each other out there on the floor of this beautiful Hyatt Grand Regency, I want each of you to look around at the various bushes and trees in planters about the property. Do not step too close to them unless you want to miss out on another lecture by a fully tenured professor of ethics because you are in your hotel room stuffing discarded clam shells into your hoo hole while these lectures are happening in the various meeting rooms here at the convention center. I'll be at the forward tables in the lobby until 10pm tonight signing copies of my book, The Ethics of Three (Different) Enchanted Forests. Thank you, fellow ethicists.