As valuable as the information above is to the novice television enthusiast, in these modern times of "computers" and "Internets," we have begun to lose our natural born ability to watch and enjoy television. Let us endeavor to change this.
What I have done is "acquire" a building in downtown Utica, New York (my current location while hiding from the FBI) that contains an abandoned privately owned television station from the 1960s. I will use this station to bring the joy of television back to millions of potential enthusiasts around this great nation of ours. I have a plan.
Let me talk to you a little bit about television and the shows that used to be on television before awful things transpired and now we have jack shit except if you go to Redblocks or one of those places and pay to watching "streaming television" or some load of crap like that. In the 1970s we had TELEVISION, real television, not Redblocks of television you pay for outside the supermarket. That is uncalled for but that is what the liberals wanted and that was what they got. No television and tofu rammed up your ass by glue sniffing dipshits from Detroit. That is ALL we have now and we are supposed to lie down and accept it. Enough is enough. I am leading the charge to fight back in the name of patriotism and other jingoistic terms I will introduce you to as the night goes on. Pull up a chair. You are going to be here for quite some time believe me. There is much to learn.
Have you ever heard the saying "Their earlier stuff was better?" That is true of television and I will make a believer of you, just as I did with The Monkees all those years ago when they paid me twenty-five millions dollars to get them on television. So, I am a serious character, believe me when I tell you this. It is the most important thing for you to believe right now. Do you believe? I hope so because otherwise... well, I am trying to make better decisions so I would give you a stern talking to and then slap you hard enough across the face to dislodge ONE tooth and I will take no further action provided your attitude towards me becomes dutiful and subservient. After that you will take me more seriously and hopefully remain in your chair for the rest of the lecture as a true believer.
Imagine living in a world of television, where at a very specific time each week you could tune in to see quality programs like Little House on the Prairie, Gunsmoke, and Happy Days. People joined hands and expressed a desire to buy the world a Coke and live in harmony. All this was made possible by that thing you disregard with such propensity that it sickens me down to my bowels: Television. Also, Rose Bowl Parade is something to look into in this regard. Very highly regarded thing that was also on television. What do you have now? Redblocks in front of the store and no fucking television. This is why this country is going down the toilet. Do you understand? Back in the 1970s we had television programs that we could watch after a hard day at the office while our wives twitched at every noise and busied themselves in the kitchen and didn't butt in to man business. They could watch Mary Tyler Moore and The Thorn Birds if they needed some television. We had Kojak. Enough said. Clearly I am in the right here.
Although I do not have access to any of those programs as far as broadcasting them on my television station, I have some people who are willing to star in new shows I will produce and show on my television station. There is quivering mass of Chopper in the shoe box. He is always up for anything. Chester Mann seems to have survived the wholesale slaughter that greeted my allies and I a while back. And my bride-to-be Trixie Horn is dying to be a star. And so, if you are willing to move to Utica, I will help you find a television on eBay (now that the liberals have shuttered most of our malls in their endless thirst to destroy the economy) and you can watch my television shows on your new television. I recommend a 19" screen for maximum enjoyment.
Last week when I was having sexual intercourse with one of your most emotionally fragile relatives and/or friends, I had an idea about some shows that would hold true to the spirit of television. I will deliver the goods and they will be tasty to your palate. You will be pleased to become a new television viewer once you move to my broadcasting area? Is this fair? I think it is more than fair. Come to Utica. Soon we will have television here as I am sure once there was. A nice old man down on the corner was talking to me about The Jeffersons the other day. That is something I will work with as far as what are known in the business as "themes" (a word you might want to jot down if you want to be a writer of any note). I think it will work in nicely with my Must See Lineup.
This is what I propose. As a man you go to work and come home to dinner on the table and then settle in for an evening of Prime Time television. This will be all that you need in life going forward. I want you to learn how to watch television like we used to do when everything was perfect for everyone.
The problem, of course, is we have all these people who are watching things whenever it suits them instead of when it is scheduled like you are supposed to and this is absolutely and undeniably causing problems for the nation's economy. WATCH THE FUCKING SHOW AT THE SCHEDULED TIME OR GO FUCK YOURSELF. I'm saying that RIGHT NOW because I am done. Completely DONE with this watch shit whenever you want crap. It pisses me off to NO END because it is dead wrong. DEAD WRONG. According to something I read on the Internets, Americans currently list "People not watching television appropriately" as the number one problem in the nation today, with a total of 81% of people interviewed listing it as "extremely concerning." We need to think about this and we need to act.
I am absolutely serious when I say I will come to your home and I will permanently affix you and your family to your living room furniture with a high-end nail gun and force you to learn how to watch television properly. This program can HONESTLY help you become a better viewer of scheduled television programming. It will be coming soon. Look for it at local retail outlets this summer. I just need some capital.
We have been letting assholes do this crap for far too long. It reminds me of the permissiveness we showed when people started with their nonsense about not eating meat. Under my rule, you WILL eat meat at the appropriate times as instructed by your local government. If you resist, your head will be forced back, your mouth held open by large men, and your jaw forced to chew one piece of meat after another and you will swallow. No spit, no quit. Once your resistance to meat has been overcome, you will join us in slaughtering a new herd and help us force more meat down the throats of the godless meat resistance. Enough is enough with these people. Freedom is BACK and in a big way.
You will NOT deviate from this plan as it will impact overall productivity in our textile mills and coal mines that are forthcoming in the next few years under my presidency because I will win even though there is an issue with no GOP primaries in half the places and there is still that issue about me being born and raised overseas. This plan is the only thing that makes sense because it is based on facts that cannot be countered because they are facts. Duly noted.
Under my unfettered rule, you will get up at 5am and go to your job at textile mill, factory, or coal mine. You will get off at five and come home where a dutiful wife has dinner on the table and obedient children are in their chairs eating their meat. They are eating HUGE amounts of it because THAT is what you do with meat. You don't turn your back on meat. You consume it. Anything less is simply not factual in nature. It is a lie. It cannot be defended, just as you CANNOT in ANY way defend not watching television programs at their properly scheduled time. So, after this proper dinner with obedience shown by your family, you go to the television and turn it on. It is time for Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy and then it is time for Behr's Must See Lineup.
8:00 - 8:30. In this time slot we will have a family comedy in which a funny family that has a very comfortable lifestyle is dealing with modern problems, such as dad disappointing his boss at the coal mine and getting a proper beat down for his inadequate performance at his job and is in a coma for three months. The family pulls together and we see some real bootstrap pulling up kind of slapstick comedy. I will make regular appearances on the show as the offbeat character Udall, who wears rainbow colored suspenders and nerdy glasses and walks into the family's house saying "Did I do that?" a lot.
8:30 - 9:00. The Tim Allen Show. With Tim Allen or someone who looks like him talking about tools and manly things with youngsters.
9:00 - 9:30. A show about three guys who are friends and three girls who are also friends who occasionally have sex with each other. I will make cameos as the neighbor who watches them doing it through the window because it is my right under the First Amendment.
9:30 - 10:00. A Seinfeld type program but with much cheaper actors who have extremely conservative beliefs. I will play Roger, the bizarre neighbor who comes over and helps himself to Harry the star's food and drink.
10:00 - 11:00. Business World. This will be an hour long drama about businessmen and their dangerous work in the world of business as they face sales quotas, deadlines, and doing their secretaries in closets. See real heroes in action.
11:00 - 11:30. Local Conservative News Channel. So you can get new learnings about what is really going on in the world.
11:30 - 12:30. The Tonight Show with Roseanne Barr. Quality guests who talk about being better at your job and the value of showing up to work on time and doing everything your boss tells you to do without question.
These programs aren't going to start on their own. I need your help in the form of $70,000 checks ($144,000 for couples and families) to get the ball rolling so that we can change the world for the better together. We can make the world better by making better choices. Together. Through television.