Today I would like to talk to you from a strictly scholarly point of view on the subject of the Ural Mountains, which I believe to have been my accurate birthplace. Now, I understand many of you are not accustomed to the scholarly point of view, prefering to be lazy and rely on false hoodwinks like science and mathematics, which betray everything humans are about. It is a betrayal to use these wrong things and shows a weakness of character.

Now, the Ural Mountains are in western Russia and are considered by many, including weak users of the false science of science, to be the border between Europe and Asia, which by definition makes me superior to you if you were born somewhere that wasn't that kind of a continental boundary. This is common sense.

I was born there according to cryptic records found in a cave, in 1930. In 1937 there was something of a commotion in the world and my family fled to the west to get away from the commotion. Apparently this choice was not a good one as thing got worse over the years that followed. Tanks were rolling in and everything was being blown up where we were. Then a guy who apparently had some serious mental problems and was commanding a German Army unit, decided to take me in and shove hairless animals up my ass for the next five years. It was at times rough.

So, if you decide to visit the scenic Ural Mountains, remember to plant a flower somewhere along the way to remember people like me who would have had a very different life if it hadn't been for socialism. It would have instead have been a The Sound of Music type life (but in the Ural Mountains).