I own a lighthouse with a real lightbulb in it and that is my most favorite possession of all my things. With that in mind I think I will go away from Everything2 website for a while until I get somethings straightened out. My biggest problem is that I'm not real and a lot of you are more real than I am in a larger sense. If I can figure out how to be more real in the larger sense of personal relationships like many of you are maybe I'll come back but only after I find out how to be real. I sometimes feel like the Velveteen Rabbit in that maybe you are all real bunnies and the boy in the nursery has to make me real. That might not make a lot of sense to you right now but maybe pretty soon someday you will know what I mean.

So many of you have been very kind and I'll tell my friends about the good way in which you treated me here. This was an experiment for me in trying to relate to people even though I have a serious problem with socialization. Because of who I am I have a lot of problems meeting people and really being Behr because I confuse them. They expect someone else and they don't even see me there half the time. Sometimes I think I am a character in a book like maybe Charles Dickens would write and if I stay inside I won't have to deal with not being real enough. There is more to the story and someday maybe someone better with words than me will tell you about it in a way.

Maybe just maybe real isn't the right word but I'm not so good with words although I tried. There are some helpful people here who tried to help me with my words but I feel like I'm becoming someone else when I correct my language use of thereof and then become even less real like I am dissolving and Behr maybe won't be there anymore. I don't think I can be someone else even if I tried real hard and closed my eyes. Sometimes I'm afraid if I close my eyes too tight and think too hard I won't be able to find Behr again and then who will I bee?

I have to say good-bye and I want to say I love you and you are my friends those of you who were so helpful to me. There were some really good people and those here who need help and aren't afraid and are willing to let people help them can do real good stuff here on this website. That is no word of a lie and if I could someday write good enough to write an article about this place for a magazine I would because when I think about it. If a middle aged man of Middle Eastern descent who doesn't write so well in words can be accepted and loved and helped here then the rest of you are better off. I have an e-mail address on my home node here and you can write to me and I'll write back, but not for another week or so because I have to go away for a while. If you still want to contact me after the first of October, I am in many ways real, just not in the right ways to get close to anyone here. Thank you all for understanding. You are very nice people.