Hello my friends! I am Berhardt Goats (friends call Behr) and today I was thrown off the Manafort jury by agents of the Deep State. I didn't fly through turbulence over the Sea of Japan in the summer of 1973 to put up with this shit. I have rights.
They are also holding me in a cell and thankfully one of the guards is a supporter of our godlike president and got me what the kids call a "laptop" (spelled L-A-P-T-O-P if you are taking notes). He wanted to keep abreast of developments and is a regular follower of my newspaper reporter job at everything2. Which is a website.
They are claiming that I committed a crime by repeatedly stimulating another juror during the trial with my old man hands. This is a preposterous accusation. I have NEVER stimulated another juror sexually in any way and I have old man hands. That is women's work generally (unless it it men giving comfort to other men in a non-gay way through sex which is okay).
I am something of an X-Man since I have powers that are BEYOND HUMAN due to operations I had in Germany in the late 1930s. I am able to mutate my right hand into different things, I have brain tinglers in my head ALL THE TIME NOW, and the creature that lived in my bum is now loose in Baltimore or what we in the Queen City call "The Greater Baltimore Area including the harbor." That is how we make it easier to explain because sometimes people think Baltimore is just a city. It is a whole damned town for crissakes.
This holding cell is uncomfortable and there is no way to masturbate privately. It is very unconstitutional. I have talked to my Slick Willie lawyer type associate about this matter. He is going to be posting bail. I have very extensive financial holdings so I don't have to sell a child to get out of jail by going to one of those bail bonds place like losers do. I like people who win. Losers need to die. Doctors need to throw themselves into the ocean with cinder blocks chained to their ankles (unless they are double amputees in which case other measures will be taken). I am glad this is part of Brandon Hitler's platform for his planned 2024 presidential run (when hard working President Trump will finally get a chance to relax and play some golf).
They are coming and I need to give my pal back his laptop. He told me to look for the Aryan Brotherhood for support if I go to prison (which I won't because I'm rich). I think those are the black guys and I can't really pass for that even though my mother was of Palestinian stock and I have green blood. It was replaced in my body when I was eight years old by a surgeon who had a monocle. I think that is how you spell that word.
Pretty soon I'll be back to reclining by the pool I acquired from my neighbor through skilled use of eminent domain and manifest destiny legal precedents. Slick Willie lawyer type associate is skilled in these matters.
Although I was kicked off the jury I will still be busy. My small business that involves reappropriating people's medication according to my personall beliefs is suffering in my absence. And I still have to find that hairless weasel that mutated like I have over the years. You wouldn't believe how many testicles I have. They need to make dry humping random women in bars legal again like it was in the 1970s (when America was great before). I can't take it any longer.