My employer for the last year has been the Incorporated Lands of Hades or Hades for short. I will now endeavor to explain the mechanics of Hades to you (the layman).


I was taken to Hades after ripping out all my internal organs in order to successfully prove (which I did) that medical science is a collection of lies and fabrications based on nothing as all the sciences are (a reason to outlaw science moving forward - but I digress). There I was first consigned to the pits of Hades to swim in volcanic acid surrounded by jabbering human heads with no skin on them but tongues that were eight feet long and penetrated all of your orafices at once constantly. I did not mind this and thus was considered for a battlefield promotion.

In order to qualify for a battlefield promotion in Hades you must prove yourself immune to torture. Because I was tortured throughout my youth by my adoptive father who murdered my birth parents and took me to Berlin in the 1930s to meet his masters, I was unbothered by the processes I was taken through in order to make me feel poorly. For this I was brought up before the Council of Twelve, consisting of the ranking battlegroup leaders that Hades keeps on hand for invasions of other realms and total conquest of them. When we took and destroyed Heaven a thousand years ago I am told it was a magical moment in Hades history.

Battlegroup leaders rank higher than workgroup leaders but workgroup leaders are no less important. They do the nuts and bolts work that sets up invasions and then processes the native population of those realms into slaves who work twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, without break, being tortured the entire time. This goes on for a beautiful eternity. If you have ever seen a bleeding man on the ground with a crushed skull trying to get away from you before you swing your sledgehammer again, you know what a truly beautiful thing it is to experience. This is one the benefits of being in the employ of Hades. You can do these things and it makes you feel good because you are removed from the pussification of liberalism which makes you weak and makes you stop enjoying doing what you were born to do to other people: torture, torment, and eventually slowly and methodically kill. Hades brings this joy back.

There is a guy no one ever sees who runs Hades, but he has agents who act on his behalf. After the Council of Twelve reviewed my life history and my experiences in Hades, I was contacted by one of the big guy's top lieutenants. I was offered a blowjob from a 19th century Victorian Age London hooker and after that was assigned to the workgroup headed by Joan Crawford (an actress). My duties would involve coming back to Earth in my existing timeline in order to sow chaos throughout the political world. Moves must be made so that a full scale invasion by Hades armies can begin in earnest within the next twenty years. We need this planet destabilized and already you are feeling the impact of our incursion. Your planet is heating up as Hades draws closer. Oh, we are going to have SO MUCH FUN with you people. I am ecstatic.

I have an official capacity as Black Agent Scout, which means I move secretly, without ever telling anyone I am here or explaining what I am to anyone. I do this in order to use stealth to create and sow chaos everywhere, whether through a trail of bloody and broken human bodies (especially very young children) and misinformation and propaganda which I convince the unsuspecting is true through use of our intermediary, FOX News and other outlets. That one is the most effective thus far.

As a functional and highly talented and skilled operator who embraces secrecy and despises leakers, I am able to effectively pave the way for the entry of more agents of Hades which are increasingly being assigned to appointed government posts worldwide on behalf of all the world's government. This will help make ready for when the big guy's chosen one, the "antichrist" will make an appearance and reverse everything done by Jesus completely and bring back the tenth century B.C. in all its relative glory.



Tours can be arranged of Hades if you pray nightly to the big boss, who runs Hades. Ask him in all his masculine, extremely well-hung glory to spirit you away. Let him know you are ready to die and want to be consigned to suffer eternally in the fire and piss pits of Hades. Say, "That is what I want, more than anything, other than having my genitals torn off on a subway which would be preferable." He will make your dreams come true.

The Outer Wall of Hades and the Iron Gate of Hades are accessible from the north only and the wall cannot be crossed at any other point. It is impossible due to the design. Basically, it was designed that way and walls work. It is the most reliable trend in human and Hadian history. To gain access through the gate you have to commit your soul to eternal suffering and live out having your genitals savagely cut and burned off by a mob in a subway over and over for twenty years equivalent time before you can petition to enter the lava pits or to watch your erstwhile former lover tell your first grade teacher how terrible you were in bed and then watch them really yuck it up. Good stuff.

There are concrete bridges that are notoriously unreliable which stretch across various parts of the lava pits. You can use these to announce yourself, to dare the agents of Hades to do their worst, and if you can bear what comes down you may get an opportunity to audition for a workgroup or battlegroup. You have to earn your battlefield promotions the old fashioned way. Liberalism was banned from Hades a million years ago.



You are bound there, if I can be frank, so you best prepare. How would I recommend you make ready?

Regular self-abuse. Throw yourself into traffic, use drugs at the library and attack people, put yourself in a cement mixer that is just starting up. There are many options. The more you get used to pain and suffering here, the more likely you will be to get a battlefield promotion. At a time when Corey Lewandowski is looking to staff a congressional office, many opportunities will become available.

You must also learn to use and abuse others for pleasure and profit without feeling bad about this. Liberalism and the disease it represents weakens people and makes them feel bad about hurting each other, but we were put here for one reason, one and all. To hurt each other as much as we can and in whatever ways we can, and to ALWAYS take it up a notch at the end of the day. Make yourself hard. The time will come.

I wish you the best of luck going forward and maybe one day we'll work together. As businessmen.