Hello, it is your friend Berhardt Goates, who has not been about for some time on the internet website here due to a change in employment! While I still keep my hand in the till at Civil War Action Figures, Ltd., I have also gotten a new line of work. This new work came to me in a vision of splendor one night as I was sleeping in my Baltimore home on the sofa which I own (payments are all made as of 5/05). I thought that if only I could get into local schools I could create a craze that would tear through this muddled society and make me wealthy beyond dreams of rainbows and butterflies. I would make bolo ties very popular again while maintaining a large inventory of bolo ties available for sale, having the means to meet the need as it arrives rather than much later. The Johnny Come Latelies would fail where I would succeed.
What I did was call various schools in the Greater Baltimore Area and tell them I was a pioneer in nuclear science, having invented and then discovered the nucleus. While some questioned my background and credentials, many did not, and thus I entered many schools in the area under the guise of nucleus discoverer.
My presentation began with a made up story about how I had invented and then discovered the nucleus. I explained that you take a common atom and look dead center and there you will find the nucleus. The kids were astounded at the showing I was showing them and begged to hear more. Teachers seemed suspicious but I paid them no mind.
One science teacher who wore a hairpin in his preposterous hair called me to the mat. He challenged me in front of the students to prove my theory and so I requested that he present me with a common atom, which I knew was a trick he would never pull off God rest his soul. He called me a "head case" and demanded I get out of his classroom which was a directive I was not ready to comply with because I had not yet made the presentation to the students regarding the wearing of bolo ties, which as you might remember was the reason for the nucleus engineer cover story.
I began, or more to the point continued to concern myself with how I was going to keep my show together under the heated glare of this obviously incompetent science teacher. As I busied myself with this kind of worrying, one of the students yelled to me from his desk. His yelling was in regards to my bald head and it involved name calling and a swear word. At that point I just lost it. I rushed onto the floor of students and grabbed this young man by the collar of his shirt and dragged him to the hallways, uncertain as to what I would do with him once I removed him from the classroom setting. Then the idea came to me quickly and with certainty of its correctness in action.
I brought him to the bathroom, a shared public facility of the high school with four urinals and two round-lidded crappers and an emergency shower for head lice cases. With the help of a janitor and a substitute gym teacher with credentials more suspicious than mine, we pinned him against the wall while Agnes, the suspicious gym teacher, got a bar of soap. While I smiled and nodded anxiously, she floated the soap in a hot water filled sink until she produced a highly sudsy mix of soap and water. Using a funnel and a five gallon jug of some kind the janitor had on hand, we damned sure forced him to drink a total of twenty-five gallons of soapy water before we denied him use of a toilet of any kind, including the urinals, for the next two to three hours. The punishment was without a doubt just.
Agnes, who was suspicious to begin with, then started telling me how she needed another good reference from another teacher so she could help out with the cheerleading team. What she had on her mind was watching the cheerleaders getting dressed and helping them take off their uniforms and then giving them hardcore Swedish massage. She was full of moxie and it was not hard to see it bubbling over. As the kids on the online internet say these days in their coded speaking, it was wicked boiled over.
I offered my reference for the position to Agnes in return for her help in getting me an audience for the bolo tie operation I was still involved in, up to and including this point and even afterwards. She agreed, and within a half of an hour, she had lured a cheerleader into the girls' bathroom (we were in the boys up until that point) and I had a whole class of special education students to speak to openly about bolo ties and the nature of the nucleus. I sold two bolo ties and have phone numbers for families of the kids, which I will use to set up appointments. By next year even you will have bolo tie by this method.