A haiku by Berhardt Goates
I'm sensible because I practice safe sex. Whenever I meet a woman who seems like a good prospect, I always ask her right off the bat what kind of fees are applicable if I were to take her to my place or go to hers and wear less clothes than we were wearing at the place where we met originally. When I am at home I will go into a private room and draw the blinds and take care of my business. I am concerned about stray globs of something private landing in someone's salad or amongst their accoutrements. I'm sensible.
I'm sensible because I look out for young children. The other day I noticed a woman in the grocery store who had a young child with her. The child ran up to her and she said, "Where have you been, young man? I'm very mad at you. Stay here where I can see you." This made me very angry and concerned about the level of madness present in her bloodstream, which provides blood from the heart to other parts of the body. I decided to follow them to their car and take steps to prevent madness from getting more intense in her brain. I crawled over to their car on my knees, opened the door to the back seat and put a rubber mouse on the back seat of the car while they loaded groceries into the trunk. I also put a rubber Ronald Reagan mask with no head inside next to the mouse. I hope they had a nice ride home. I'm sensible.
I'm sensible because I can play chess. I'm sensible because I limit my opponents to older people who no longer have their wits about them in any way, shape or form. This guarantees I can outwit them. If we go out for a beer I drive, in case you are concerned about the witless people getting behind the wheel. I will jack up anyone I see driving a car who has no wits or is otherwise defined by what is known as witlessness. I do this because? I'm sensible.
I'm sensible because I have class. I have been to classes at the grammar school level, middle school level, high school level and as it says on many job applications, "some college." I have class because I wear a tie to work and act professionally. I have two Ronald Reagan rubber masks with styrofoam mannequin heads inside them. These heads are mounted on what are ostensibly known as stacks of Japanese rocks with water coming out on the top and splashing on the rocks below. I'm sensible.
I'm sensible because I'm not ashamed to be bald. I shine my head with Lemon Pledge, which is a brand name product I am not ashamed to endorse here in a public forum as an excellent bald head care product. It gives it a sheen. I show off my head to people and I will tip my head down so the ladies can get a gander before I ask them what fees would be applicable if they went back to my place or I went back to theirs and we wore less clothes than we did in the place where we met. I'm sensible.
I'm sensible because I avoid eating two desserts, even in Rhode Island where I go on business sometimes. There is no reason for that extra slice of cake when you already have a spare tire spinning around your waistline. Let's watch our figures. Let's be sensible. I'm sensible.
I'm sensible because I pour vodka all over my grapefruit before I eat it in the morning. Foolish people pour milk all over their grapefruit because of the rampant and inexplicable fear of alcohol abuse. I'll chug half a bottle of vodka down after I eat my grapefruit and give the finger to The Man because I know I am very good at sales because I have worked for the same company for six years and I'm still in the same office. I'm sensible.
I'm sensible because when I didn't finish all the chicken on my plate and a man who was related to me through marriage told me my eyes were bigger than my stomach. I protested. I have seen medical books and I know that in all cases, human beings have stomachs that are larger than their eyes. I will not let lies be spread. I'm sensible.
I'm sensible because I don't pick my nose when I am on a date until she goes to the powder room (she usually never comes back so everything is cool at that point). I'm sensible because I like to keep my record albums in the order in which they were officially released (you can find the release date information on the internet if you don't have it on the record sleeve anywhere). I'm sensible because I don't kick frogs, no matter how tempted I am whenever I go to the pet store and accidently knock over the frog tank. I'm sensible because I don't think I need to eat a taco because I'm not Mexican. I'm sensible because I water my garden when it is raining, which causes the water to be more even distributed. I'm sensible because when I see someone with offensive body odor, I determine the best way to kill them, write it down on a slip of paper and give it to my boss. I'm sensible.
Get on board. Be sensible. Don't be a knucklehead nitwit.