I recently read the column above where this inspiration-based person talks to us in detail about people who have eating habits that displease him. I felt empty upon reading the contents of his discourse and was thus driven to remind you of a few things.

The purpose of eating is to get food into your stomach.

Peoples who talk incessantly about how it bothers them when other people make noises or shaky movements when eating because they need to think during dinner hour are not worth keeping alive, even with machines. The dinner hour is not for thinking because the dinner hour is for getting food into you by whatever means are convenient and necessary. Do your thinking in the library or later in the living room or den where pipes are smoked and topics are discussed by adults. When eating, eat and do not think unless you are a pervert who just can't stop thinking long enough to savor a meal.

There is no such thing as a disturbing clamor unless road construction is involved.

Some people are too easily upset by small, meaningless noises and I beg of such individuals that they spend a few weeks sleeping in a house near major road construction where jackhammers begin at 6:00 AM. Until they do that, their ridiculous complaints are tiresome to me in regards to non-issues such as silverware hitting plates and food going into mouths with help of utensils (we have teeth in our mouth barring removal for poor dental care so the utensils WILL hit the teeth and this cannot be helped). These noises are normal and traditional and those who cannot handle normal and traditional American eating noises can move to Kenya without much sweat off my brow. As the hipsters say, 'Get over it or move to Kenya.' I believe in this saying very much.

Chew in a way that makes you happy.

Closing the mouth prohbits the entrance of additional food, which is sometimes welcome, for example when a piece of melba toast requires the addition of coffee into the mouth to make it more savory. Has this columnist above never heard of savory, or is his eating so utilitarian that he has forgotten that food is to be enjoyed and not turned into something resembling a concentration camp at the dinner table where severe and unyielding rules are forced upon hungry people who simply want to enjoy their delicious food? Perhaps if he was in a prisoner of war camp in Korea he would enjoy his food more instead of attacking others for attempting to enjoy theirs. I am sorry to be critical, but I am incensed and may need anger management counseling because of this columnist's words.

Hate has no place at the dinner table.

That is enough said on this topic.

Eat as much as you want in the land of plenty.

Once the horn of plenty has been sounded it is time to dig in and enjoy your bounty. If you want to eat a whole loaf of bread in several bites then do so because if you bought the bread you have rights in America. Do not let your rights be stripped away by this extremely conservative and borderline fascist columnist above. When you buy your food, you have the right to enjoy it. Listening to people like inspiration man will lead us into misery and a life where everyone wears the same gray suit and unshiny shoes and they do not speak to each other a friendly greeting in the street because the thought police are watching and this columnist is definitely with the thought police.

Goodnight from Baltimore. I need to slurp down a little cognac before bed to settle my nerves now.