There is a lot that is being said up above. I would take it easy with this one.

Hi, I'm Dr. Peter Swilling, prominent discredited psychiatrist possessed by the dark soul of your Friend Behr, Mr. Berhardt Illych Goats, a former patient of mine who I have now fashioned into a human high chair while also ulitilizing the legs of a woman I butchered at a recent nodermeet, Shaming Chickens in Our Nation's Heartland: A Late Summer Social Distancing Nodermeet. It was not all it was cracked up to be. Only 500 or so noders were in attendance. She was worthless as a noder. Worthless. So, I took her out. These are the kinds of things nodermeets are known for.

I never thought I would ever find myself enjoying sawing the limbs off people, but I do. I really do. Glad I found this to fill the hole in my life.

At conventions I am sometimes bombarded with questions. From the audience. I am. I really am. You ought to accept this. You ought to. I mean, what is your problem, anyway? Twisted old fruit. Like a lime in the mickey bag for fuck sake.

Have you ever covered your genitals in salt and then put slugs on it? I have. Great fun. Pull it out at parties. Your guests will love it. Something to see. It really is. Really. I am not shitting you here. Great backwoods fun.

How many of you noders are backwoods fuckwits? Have you ever had a bully shove your pinky finger in a pencil sharpener and CRANK? I have. You could learn things from me. Call for an appointment. Operators are standing by. I have advertised on buses. I charge $80 per hourly session. That is down from that $190 per hour I got when I was still considered "legit" (before being discredited as a "quack"). YMMV.

I get my jollies watching Knot's Landing type shows. How do you get your jollies? What do you watch on television? Tell me about it. Over coffee. At a professional and adequately conducted psychiatric session. Call me up. I have a nice secretary who answers the phone. She isn't as FUCKING INTENSE as I am. And I get FUCKING INTENSE during therapy sessions. I get right up in your face and I WILL hit you and hit you hard if I disagree with anything you are saying or find it offensive. Keep it up and I WILL end you. In my office. Bodies keep stacking up. But seriously. Call me. We'll talk. Over coffee. Sliding scale.

I've done things in my office that my mother would not be proud of. Even though there is a nice bathroom just twenty feet away, I squat and take a shit on the floor so my maid has to clean it up. And I sit there, proudly, at my desk telling her, "I think that is mine." Can you imagine? Can you? What stories she must tell her young children at home. And I mean, what I do is, I pull my pants down around my ankles and make a face, squat down, and just push one or two out. Sometimes three good sized ones. Sometimes it is like oatmeal. Just a mess. "Clean it up, you worthless person," I tell my maid. "This will show you that it is better to be born into a rich family than a poor one." And then I laugh hysterically while she cleans my shit off the floor. Beautiful. What life is really all about. Moments like that.

Medically yours,

Dr. Peter Swilling