Well, day two of this leap. This man's body is a mess and I've spent seven hours in the bathroom today because whatever this man eats, it is not fit for human consumption. When it comes out, bad news. Took me another three hours to convince Al it was safe to come back and give me information from Ziggy, who is a special computer and I have no time to explain. I am from the future, 1999.
This man is apparently a Nazi war criminal, although I have found no Nazi things in his hotel room. He has a teddy bear and a dildo in the bed and I think he throws up when he sleeps because that is the only explanation for what is going on with the pillow. I contacted the front desk and had a new one brought in. Maybe if I eat healthy meals and not just the cans of Dinty Moore beef stew this character has lined up along with black licorine and an unmarked bottle with a lot of unmarked pills I cannot identify. There is a note in the bottle that says "take one to stop urge to kill." This is smething I find quite concerning. I have leaped into murderers before, but this fellow was apparently experimented on by sick Nazi doctors in a mountain retreat and the only way to destroy him is to take him to Bavaria and throw him in the fireplace in which he was conceived and born.
I don't know what to do with this leap. Al says there is a 92% chance that I am here to help Behr reunite with his buddy Chopper. They had a falling out when Chopper ratted on Behr for killing thousands of innocent people who really deserved killing because of their failures in life, but Chopper has since recanted his evidence, claiming to be under the influence of crystal meth at the trial (one look at his teeth - ew - but Behr loves him). Chopper then arranged for all the other witnesses to have "accidents." The feeling you get from violently killing a man is orgasmic. Like a really good blowjob from a hooker with mouth sores that lubricate your manhood.
Whoa. I do NOT feel that way. This man is in my head, or maybe I am in his, or maybe we are boh in yours. Are you sure you are awake? How do we know that we can only access everything2.com while in a dream state because when you really wake up, and I mean really wake up, there will be no Internet and you'll be scrubbing toilets and getting ass raped by insane gym teachers all day long.
Whoa, where did that come from?
I am going to ask kind people in bars if they would like to drive me to Baltimore in search of Chopper.
Hope I can hold on to my sanity on this leap. Al says I have scary look in my eyes. I can't help it. This person was born with two lazy eyes, one that looks up and the other down. Just not something you want to look at.
Behr has a list thumb tacked to the wall of the hotel room. It is a "to do list" like people's pointless grandmothers have.
- Practice cool move with sunglasses
- Masturbation in Planet Fitness bathroom (magazine helpful)
- Canvass neighborhood for sightings of hairless ass weasel and offspring
- Buy frozen hamburgers by the case and toaster to bake them in
I don't know what to make of this guy. Thanks for listening, friends.