As a wee laddy of about eight years, I had a lofty goal: to create bug poison. I knew this would require some sort of liquid to pour onto bugs. I also knew that this liquid would have to be created in some sort of tricky manner--I was going by Sturgeon's Law here--I knew it would take some effort.

(Right now would be a good time to tell the reader that as a child I read the label of every single household substance I could find, out of curiosity. This probably made me a bit more paranoid than I would've been.)

After deeply pondering the subject of what to use as my main source of bug poison (this lasted about ten seconds), I decided a battery would be the best logical choice. (I didn't know what logical meant at the time, but I knew it had something to do with being right and smart.) Yes, logical, and the logical size would of course be a D.

(Few people know this, but my findings showed that D sized batteries are really just four AA batteries in a larger cylindrical battery case.)†

A hammer and a nail would be all I needed. I was into cost-efficiency. Why go out and buy high tech, unnecessary devices when I could get by perfectly with these two wonders of human technology? My work area was to be the back porch.

With utmost care did I drive the nail into the battery. Four smaller cylinders rolled out of the shell. Odd. Better drive the nail into one of them. Time to find the pay dirt.

(The reader must now be aware that the following event occurred with a marvel of calmness and simple, well thought-out decisions)

After seeing dark grey goop squirt out of the cylinder and, about a tenth of a second later, feeling it make contact with my right eye, I thought things over for a minute (half a second), and decided there was only one right thing to do. Walk slowly over to the sink and rinse my eye out. Flush the eye out, I think they called it on the labels I'd read. Madness would shortly ensue.


<mom> why, what are you doing?
<chris> oh, nothing mom, just rinsing my eye out..
<mom> hm.. why are you doing that?
<chris> i just got some battery acid in it.. *shrug*
<mom> you _what_!?##%^$!#
<chris> don't worry about it
* mom calls up urgent care, and rushes her son there


My entrepreneurial adventure'd come to a close. My right eye would have a patch on it for a day, after being flooded with green dye by the doctor for viewing with a special camera, in order to make sure there wasn't major damage. Gain: I was able to miss school for a day.

(The reader should know that I still have 20/20 vision)

Editor's note: After a few minutes with a hacksaw, I have determined that this is not true. A D cell battery is simply a scaled up version of a AA. It is not four AA's in one package.