So it's my birthday and I am 25. I have birthday issues and as such it seemed to me that actually telling people it was my birthday as opposed to being silent and scrunched up in a little ball (which is still very appealing, especially if it's a flannel ball) would be a good thing for me to do. There's the whole "good lord, get over it" value.

It doesn't have anything to do with age. It has to do with people doing/not doing stuff for me. I think that's as specific as I can get right now.

I've been living here for four years, such that people know it's my birthday for real now. I didn't tell anyone in my grad program or anything for a good two years. Or at least I didn't tell them what day it was anytime near that actual day, such that no one would remember it on or around it. I always want to just be alone and deal with it on my birthday. And it would have been so rude not to want to do things or let people do things, so had anyone planned anything I would have tried valiantly to get through it. But it would also have been exponentially harder for me to deal with birthday if anyone made a fuss on or around the actual day. So I didn't tell anyone except my really, really close friends, and not even some of them.

Then three weeks into October someone would say wasn't it your birthday? When? And I would say yes and they would say why didn't you tell us! We would have done something! And this happened enough over the last four years that people for real know what day it is now, and are fairly aware that I'm not going to mention it, and seem to realize that I don't want to do anything on or for my birthday. I mean I'm sure I have talked about not wanting to do anything by this point. So that's good to an extent.

And I've even been talking about it like a regular thing a little this year. I mean it's been mostly when tipsy, but not entirely. Last night we were joking about it with various people while totally sober. That was a good thing. I wouldn't have been able to do that without considerable agitation even last year. So that is why I'm writing this now, too.

And today is ok, and right now I feel calm, and we're going to go have dinner somewhere in a calm and calming fashion, and that will be good. No presents yet, so we'll see how I do with that.

I don't know if I want to put this up or not.

Addendum: note that it is the fourth when I actually put it up.