Sometimes things just up and leave you confused and you're really not sure how to handle it. Or even where it came from. That has been my week.
I had trouble sleeping again last night. All the old things, the selective phobias that badger me in the dark, came running back to throw themselves at me once again. It is useless. As much as I scream at myself that no, this is not going to happen to me, I cannot help myself and when I turn off the thoughts as words, I obtain representations of the fear as images that just flash across that part of the brain that precedes translation into coherent thought.
The image of the most innate fear is a corrupted circle, somewhat resembling a hurricane on a weather map. The interior is red, with a blue outline and flecks of black and yellow and a grey background. There is an off-center eye, it is outlined in black and the area directly surrounding it is yellow. I do not know the significance of the primary colors. The image is distorted as if it had been spun around and around, and yes, it has been.
Blake wanted to call me again
but I would not let him. He wanted to tell me how disappointed
he was in me. Why would I want anyone to tell me that? I made up some excuse and he got angry and signed off AIM
. People should just stop caring so damn much.
...my grades came in and I made a 2.6 this semester. I was very surprised that I made an A in my educational psych class, and I expected an A in Spanish of course. B in health psych, C in government and an F in history. Note to myself: sleeping through class is bad.
At work, they destroyed our old proxy server. Actually, they just destroyed the WSP portion to it - we still have access to the HTTP portion. What this means for us: No AIM, no shell access, no access to simple diagnostic tools such as ping and traceroute. This will be remedied soon. I will have shell access. It just takes time and good ideas. I have not been instrumental in making this happen, that is, I am not the one carrying out the plan! But I have provided a few suggestions and feedback so I still feel like I am helping, at least those of us that are being screwed by this lack of freedom.
Creativity is finding its way back home. Today I got out my guitar and actually sat down for 15 minutes and got something on tape that I would not be ashamed to play for other people. No, it is not complete. Yes, most of it was just chaos set to music. But it is a beginning. It felt very good.
but even if we could get everything we wanted, who is to say that we would still be happy?