Wow. Just when you thought you'd experienced every horrible thing that could possibly exist in the world of film, something comes along and proves you wrong. This is such a
movie. Words cannot adequately
prepare you for this fine film, so be warned...
Not wanting to bore the viewer, the film opens quickly to action. We start with a woman visiting a fortune teller who finds that she has the "husband killing line" on her palm. The widow rushes out in shock, forgetting to pay. A man drops down from the ceiling and pays for her, but then kills the fortune teller. His name is Ruthless, and he finds some guy meditating in the room, who happens to be some sort of judge who sentenced Ruthless to all sorts of nasty punishments. Of course, a fight breaks out. The meditating man takes off his shirt, revealing a vest made of sharp nails. His special Kung Fu move is to jump on people... Ruthless, however, can launch cannon balls which move around the room at his command. The meditating man loses.
Up next, we meet Ratface (he has large front teeth and a wicked mustache) who is driving some sort of car shaped like a rat head, and he is drinking heavily. He runs over several monks at a local temple. As punishment, he must find a virgin boy born on August 15th to use in a ritual. Man, those monks are tough.
Next we meet Cha Li, the hero, who is studying witchcraft under his Grandma (played by a man). For his training, he has to find a Sacred Document from a chamber filled with many traps. He get's pretty far, past your standard Indiana Jones type traps, only to meet the Watermelon Monster. The Watermelon Monster is a big, green, round thing with huge teeth. It couldn't have cost more than $50 to make. Cha Li runs like a little girl from this terrible monster and goes to meet his girlfriend.
On the way, he meets up with some nasty folks. Of course a fight breaks out. The bad guys are some guy who can pull his arms and legs into his body like a turtle, and a fat woman who spins around really fast and falls on you. Ratface shows up and lends his advanced drunken style to the fight. Some princess chick joins in too, with a rigid cloth that she beats people with.
Now, Ruthless wants the sacred document too, for some reason, so he starts chasing Cha Li around. His Grandma saves him using a really big knife, then she forces him into the testing chamber. Ruthless rushes through with his mastery of the martial arts, but he too is defeated by the watermelon monster. But he recoups, and goes again, getting by the monster. Granny has to step in now using Giant Pipe Kung Fu, but she discovers that Ruthless is actually the princess which supposedly explains why she got by the watermelon monster so easily (yeah, I know). Granny is killed, and with her last breath tells Cha Li that he must find Ratface, whose mastery of the Drunken Wu Tang Kung Fu is the only thing that can stop Ruthless.
Will Cha Li save the day, or will evil rule again? How bad is the dubbing? What kind of crap is this move? You'll just have to watch it to find out! There's actually a lot of really cheesey humor in this movie. Sure, at the end you'll probably be thinking, "Wha...Wha....What the hell?!" but you might enjoy it too...