Today was a good day, even with just three hours of sleep. And what do I have to show for it? Next time, if I am going to be up at that hour of the morning, I am at least going to get some decent nodes done. Heck, if I am going to feel (physically) tired all day, I may as well have some good to show for it.
Am trying to figure out what has happened to the used book market. After 11 September, there was the decline in sales that one might expect – this was not a surprise. But I had still been selling enough books that I continued buying and listing on ebay. Then, the sales I had ending Tuesday, nothing. Sold the seven cheapest books out of a group of 25. No bids on the others. Nothing at all. The opening bids were fair, well below market value, on a lot of really nice, really hard to find books, and still nothing. This is weird. Sigh. Looked at other book dealers on ebay, and the situation is about the same. Books that might normally go for $6000-8000 closing at $1200. Must be a great time to be a buyer.
Sold a few books today, one on campus to a professor, Dr. Andrews, who is such a bibliomaniac – probably even worse than me. Also some fine bindings to a guy in Texas that I have dealt with before. Made a tiny bit of money – broke even, which was pretty much the intent. Just needed to convince myself that this stuff could be sold. And I needed the money, too.
Received a nice German woodcut print, done in 1552. Bought it on ebay a few days ago. Not the crisp, stunning masterpiece I had dreamed of, but exactly like the picture in the auction, and still very nice.
Went to class, too. Learned today that 20 minutes of everything, in addition to the usual coffee, does wonders to help wake a person up. Had a test in Urban Economics and Politics. Can’t wait to get my good fountain pen back from Rotring. Sigh. I miss it. And writing tests and things where I have to write on paper is so much more difficult. In the future I will be a lot more careful about leaving it open on my desk, even for a moment.
Spent a bit of time talking with A. today. Gosh does she like me. Problem is, I am not sure if I like her. Physically, the attraction is very strong, for both of us. (Or so it seems. I think so. And I think a reasonable person would say, based on the way she has been acting, that she feels the same. But I am not sure. Not sure if she is just expressing her emotional desire for me in a physical way. Dammit, I need to just talk to her. Without her roommate there. Must do this tomorrow. )
Emotionally, I am just not sure if there is anything there. I like her, and I want this to be something. To the extent that I know A., I like her. But she does not know me so well (I don’t think so… who knows what she may have been told…), and I just wonder what she might think if she knew me better. I am not going to change (much, and not out of malice or lack of caring, but out of the general impossibility of it, and my previous track record. Oh wait… I don’t want to make this into something with the promise of being long term, for her, before I have that figured out. She has been hurt by people before, she has made me aware of this, and has made it clear that she would raise hell if it happened again. (Just as she did before.) I don’t want to do this. Not because of fear, but just because it would be wrong.
We differ quite a bit on political views and preferred means of expression. (Read: She sees something happening that she doesn’t like, and like most people, does nothing. I see something I don’t like happening, I raise hell. I write letters, attend protests, talk with people, distribute leaflets, etc.) There is no inherent problem with this – she her opinion, I have mine, fine. What bothers me is that she has made it clear that she does not think it is right to protest and raise so much of a fuss. Ok. She can think that. I just need to make it clear, from the start, that I am not going to change on these most important of things. It’s who I am.
I am who I am. I am ok with that. And she should be ok with that, and probably is to the extent that she knows me. But there is also something in me, for some reason, that tells me that if I don’t provide every little bit of information that might matter to her before I ask her out, that if something goes wrong it is my fault. (Yes, I realize how ridiculous this looks. Didn’t stop me from thinking it. And seeing it in writing doesn’t stop me from thinking it. Sigh.)
A. is nice. And I do want her. But I also don’t want to screw things up too badly.
I guess this means that I need to learn to talk.
Oh my. It has been a long time since I have dated anyone. (And does it show.) None of the above, about A. or me, is a factual representation, by itself. But as a whole, they paint a reasonably accurate picture of things as they are. Or, in a nutshell: I like her, I want her, I am not perfect. I am afraid she may realize this, what do I do?