saturday night was perhaps the most depressing night i've spent in a long, long time. I've come to the conclusion that depression, just like everything else, gradually builds up to an impossibly high climax and then subsides into nothingness. I hope so. I hope saturday night was it. Because, seriously, if it gets worse, i'm going to klepto my father's tylenol 3's and get myself a big bottle of vodka, and curl up in a fetal position on a park bench in some bad neighbourhood so that no nice little old ladies will have to find my cold and lonely corpse.

i don't want to resort to killing myself. that's such a wussy way out. i've still got shit that i want to do, and things to regret not doing..

like saturday. back to saturday. a girl at school invited me to a party and her house. so i went. i got my car and drove halfway there and then took a skytrain and a bus. and then another bus whose stop i couldn't find, so i sat in the rain for a while, and then i walked three or four blocks after missing my stop. and got to her house. and walked to the door. and looked inside. the place was deserted. there were a few hardcore friends watching tv, but overall, the party had turned out lame.

so i left. i didn't even go in. i walked back for an hour to bus number one, and then went into chapters and read short stories about lesbians. and then i went home. alone. in the rain. on the bus. it bugged me. a lot.

if, for no other reason than that i had nothing better to do that night than to go all the way into the city to get scared and not go to a party, with people who're supposed to be friends of mine. i've given up doing things and talking to people and getting involved because i'm too scared and it's easier not to. i saw this thing on tv and social anxiety disorder. i think i might have it, along with various other depressions i've read about. but i'm too scared to so anything, to seek help or to get medicated.

i think that's ironic. (i also think you should know that hyperbole is one of my better friends, and compulsive lying is the other)