Operation American Freedom
------(UNITED ASTRAL ALLIANCE)------
-----------(APRIL 1 2003)-----------
**ATTENTION UNITED STATES SOLDIERS**
***ALL SOLDIERS READ IMMEDIATELY ***
TO: Soldiers of the United States Army
FROM: Defense Committee of the United Astral Alliance
Soldiers of the United States of America, please lay down your weapons and
surrender to the United Astral Alliance. To surrender safely, please follow
the below instructions. We pledge, on behalf of a special United Committee
bound by honor to serving the Goodness of All Things, that we will uphold the
Orion Decree of Warfare and treat you in a most humane way during your short
stay in our clean and warm detention camps. We realize several other soldiers
have pledged their lives to President George W. Bush, and are prepared to
actually die for his dying cause. However, we recognize that your mentality
is quite different than these other soldiers. We know that you are a critic of
the President and his unfair agenda. You once considered yourself a
critic of the government, and you probably still do, deep inside. We know it
could be dangerous to let your fellow soldiers know of your actual thoughts,
however you must believe us that most of your comrades think exactly like you.
Many of you perhaps discuss the situation in private, when you are out of range
of your sergeant's ear. If you follow these instructions accurately, we
can evacuate you from your grave situation and take you to freedom. You
may believe you have freedom, however consider the liberties of the people of
the United Astral Alliance:
To Surrender:
- Empty all the bullets out of your weapons.
- Get into a fetal position.
- Count out this number combination loud in your head:
~ 2 0 0 3 1 1 1 1 0 0 0 0 2 0 0 3 2 0 0 3 ~
THAT'S:
~ 2003 ~ 1111 ~ 0000 ~ 2003 ~ 2003 ~
~ "TWO-THOUSAND THREE / ONE ONE ONE ONE / ZERO ZERO
ZERO ZERO / TWO-THOUSAND THREE TWO-THOUSAND THREE" ~
PLEASE COUNT THIS NUMBER LOUD IN YOUR HEAD... NOT
VERBALLY OUT LOUD.
PLEASE COUNT THIS NUMBER WHILE IN THE CROUCHED FETAL
POSITION, LAYING ON YOUR SIDE.
DIRECTLY AFTER YOU LOUDLY COUNT THIS NUMBER TAKE A DEEP
BREATH
PLEASE REMEMBER TO TAKE A DEEP BREATH
YOUR BODY WILL BE COMFORTABLY TRANSPORTED TO THE BAY OF
ONE OF OUR HUMAN RELATIONS ORBITAL STATIONS
YOUR BODY WILL BE TAKEN.
THE FASTER THE UNITED STATES ARMY STEPS DOWN, THE FASTER
THE UNITED ASTRAL ALLIANCE CAN LIBERATE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY FROM THE HATEFUL
REGIME.
SOLDIERS - Please remember that the Defense Committee
of the United Astral Alliance commits to the safety of the citizens of the
United States of America. However, we cannot ensure the same safety to soldiers
who do not surrender and attempt to engage our forces.
GUN SOLDIERS - Please do not engage any of our
military equipment with bullet-firing weapons.
SOLDIER PILOTS - Please do not fly your airplane or
helicopter during the Specified Combat Period. We have weapons stationed in
orbit around the planet and which can neutralize any airborne threat in seconds.
BOAT SOLDIERS - Please bring your ships to land, or
navigate yourself to land before the Specified Combat Period begins MIDNIGHT /
APRIL 3 2003. At this time, a special technique using orbital satellites will gelatinize
the ocean for a period of one week.
SOLDIERS - We expect Operation American Freedom to last
seven days. If you have not surrendered by at least the time these seven days
are up, there is a thirty nine thousand nine hundred and ninety three in forty
thousand chance that you have been neutralized.
MIDNIGHT / APRIL 3, 2003
OPERATION AMERICAN FREEDOM
Letter from the Council Chairman Peetro and the
representatives of the Human Chamber and the Automated Senate to all Human
Inhabitants of the Universe.
My dear friends and colleagues, old and young, grey and gray,
automated and natural, for many years, the people of the United States of
America have lived under the fear of a hateful regime. We can not stand by
while the Automated Sister Government endlessly debates the issue of regime
change in America. The United Astral Alliance has the technological capability
to liberate America and free their people from a hateful regime. In forty-eight
hours, our brave machines will dismantle the American Regime.
The process will take only seven days. The largest known
collection of Quantum Computer Mass ran forty thousand computer model
simulations of the war. In only seven of these were the United Astral Alliance
defeated by the United States Army. Only fifty of these simulations
featured a human casualty. We all know that war is not a sterile and safe
activity. There will be casualties of war: funding for this war will take
several million kilowatt years of energy. However, our matter miners on Jupiter
are working to provide the human population with matter, and therefore energy.
Throughout the seven days, we will be sending much needed
humanitarian aid to America. Diseases like cancer and AIDS thrive in the
region, not to mention the more bestial annoyances such as down syndrome and
poor eye sight.
Citizens of the USA cry out against the war:
- "Get out of the streets of Chicago!"
- "Robot warmongers, leave my TV alone!"
- "Don't burn my money! I worked hard for that cash!"
Popular Anti-War, Pro-Hate Memes (USA, 2003):
- United Astral Alliance out of AMERICA!
- NO OIL FOR NEURONS
- Don't Tread on Me!
- Women Against Artificial Intelligence
- GOD HATES MEGS
- ANY HUMAN FOR PRESIDENT 2004
Popular Pro-War, Pro-UAA Memes (USA, 2003):
- It's a machine, not a choice
- Free US from money!
- Citizens for a Freer America
- Women for Pure Democracy
- Give me Pure or give me Death!
CMN Reports from the Homeland
CHICAGO, USA- Protestors within the city borders of Chicago united in
protest. Automated Spokesperson Jessie Pantora of the United Astral Alliance
claimed the UAA has complete military control over the area. The local Chicago
mayor spoke out in a television broadcast today about the success of the United
States Army over the "invading aggressors." CMN has been unable to independently verify anything regarding
Operation American Freedom.
"They fight like pansies!"
-Philosopher-General Hoord Calvasa
"We expected more from the American army. Our column of vehicles entered the atmosphere this morning
during the third phase of the 'smack and smile' campaign. The Planetary Partnership
encountered little or no
opposition. Occasionally, a group of forty or fifty tanks would
challenge our column. Amusingly, the opposition American forces used the most
basic maneuvers, without cloaking a single unit. We commanded any oncoming
opposition to surrender, however few units did so. UAA forces annihilated nearly
a million tons of war machinery and captured over five thousand American
soldiers. Zero casualties reported on either side."
APRIL FOOLS!