briglass revisits some of last weekends top headlines! Excuse me if they are a bit offensive.  It's like how I deal with situations, or something.

17-Year old Jessica Strasomethingorother Dies

Poor ethnic child dies at the mercy of historically white Duke University... coincidence? Or effective way?

Jessica, who sat atop the nation's waiting list for transplant organs during her week long ordeal in the belly of the White Devil (actually, Blue Devil, but not like Adam can see blue) suffered complete brain damage. Hours later, when asked if they would like to donate her organs, Jessica's parents declined. It reminds me of that movie "Pay it Forward."  Acute organ failure destroyed one girls life, which in turn destroyed another three!

Rhode Island Pyrotechnic Display Fiasco

Also known as: THE GREATEST ROCK SHOW EVER! While watching a CNN news broadcast of a similar incident at a predominantly black Chicago night club, Mike Howlinski and Patrick Donnaro enjoyed quite a chuckle at the expense of twenty three dead black people, "Gosh dang, bro! Thems black people is so DUMB! Hey, Pat, you'll never believe it but I just scored these TOTALLY KICK ASS front row tickets to Great White this weekend!" Howlinksi's final words were, "I'm so high on ecstasy I can't feel the shooting pain I would normally feel from this fire which is consuming my body! Stop and drop this roll, baby! Oh my God I'm completely aflame. That chick is HOT, naw,I'm just kidding. Get it, she's HOT." Howlinksi then collapsed into a pile of human char, making sure to open his mouth wide as his final death throe to facilitate the recovery of his dental records.

Donnaro, who narrowly escaped the club before the entire building collapsed from the fire, exclaimed upon reaching the parking lot, "Oh my Lord God, that.... show.... was.... AWESOME!" Donnaro told reporters that he didn't know that "scalping tickets" could also refer to tickets being fire-branded onto people's scalps after a searing roll in the snow.

Lead singer and band leader of Great White, Jack Russell, proclaimed that the band would never play again. Asked for his reason, Russell simply explained that all ninety-six of their fans were now dead. "Those who made it out alive, come on, they aren't our real fans. First of all, only pussies stand near the back of the crowd. Secondly, our drummer died, so that's like a problem because I can't sing worth shit ever since I quit injecting cocaine in '93." Russell said that the most ironic part of the evening was that the band had just finished playing their hit song, "Burnin' House of Love."  "No, I'm serious, that's not a joke," continued Russell, "we really did have a song named that. If you ask me, that's pretty fuckin' hilarious. Our hearts go out to the victims and their families, but not any dead groupies... sluts for real."

How many Rhode Island club goers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Toys 'R' Us Roof Collapses

Snow drifts atop the roof of a Toys 'R' Us in... somewhere in America I assume... caused a portion of the roof to collapse, effectively trapping a group of ten shoppers.... the luckiest toy shoppers ever.

"It was classic," recounts Yolanda Brown, area woman, "one minute I was standing there envisioning myself as a child with nothing to do but play with this fun looking 'Lifesize' Barbie Malibu Convertible Toy Car, when all of a sudden the entire roof collapsed around me. I thought to myself, oh Lord Jesus, I'm trapped!.........  IN A TOYS 'R' US!" Brown realized that nine other adult shoppers were in her same situation. "We were ecstatic," explains Bush Perthington, area man, "Some of the group wanted to return the cries for assistance we could hear coming from the rescue workers but we shut them up, quick. 'SHH!' I yelled." Jennifer Scall, area woman, admits that "it was probably the coolest thing to happen to me since I was trapped inside a closed frozen yogurt stand for a weekend when I was twelve. It's like, as long as you have enough air supply, there's nothing to do except eat as much Frogurt as possible." Scall said at first she feared the group would run out of food, however Brown quickly pointed out that they could subsist on Easy Bake Ovens and Pop Rocks. "We did the calculations and figured we could survive for twenty days solely on melted snow and half-edible brownies. If we got bored, we could put Pop Rocks on the brownies. Or, just eat the Pop Rocks alone, or put Pop Rocks in the snow, whatever floats your boat," recalls Brown.  Scall remembers when one of the group members, Jonathon Radcart, suggested he and four other of the trapped join into an alliance and try to out-survive the others. "After he said that I shot him in the head.... with a cap gun.  We all had a good laugh," said Scall.  Scall's daughter, Jennifer, 7, spoke with reporters outside the complex during the search, which took most of the afternoon. "This is so stupid, I know mom is in there," testified Jennifer. "When she saw the roof collapsing, she scooted underneath." Eventually, the search party followed the Electronic Uno Simon Says Bobble Game sounds and found and rescued the group of ten, who reportedly let out a massive, "ohhhhhhhhhhh, man!"

A Bunch of People in Turkey Died

Yeah, so what.