briglass revisits some of last weekends top headlines! Excuse me if
they are a bit offensive. It's like how I deal with situations, or
17-Year old Jessica Strasomethingorother Dies
Poor ethnic child dies at the mercy of historically white Duke University...
coincidence? Or effective way?
Jessica, who sat atop the nation's waiting list for transplant organs during her
week long ordeal in the belly of the White Devil (actually, Blue Devil, but
not like Adam can see blue) suffered complete brain damage. Hours
later, when asked if they would like to donate her organs, Jessica's parents
declined. It reminds me of that movie "Pay it Forward." Acute
organ failure destroyed one girls life, which in turn destroyed another three!
Rhode Island Pyrotechnic Display Fiasco
Also known as: THE GREATEST ROCK SHOW EVER! While watching a CNN
news broadcast of a similar incident at a predominantly black Chicago night
club, Mike Howlinski and Patrick Donnaro enjoyed quite a chuckle at the expense
of twenty three dead black people, "Gosh dang, bro! Thems black people is
so DUMB! Hey, Pat, you'll never believe it but I just scored these TOTALLY KICK
ASS front row tickets to Great White this weekend!" Howlinksi's final
words were, "I'm so high on ecstasy I can't feel the shooting pain I
would normally feel from this fire which is consuming my body! Stop and drop
this roll, baby! Oh my God I'm completely aflame. That chick is HOT, naw,I'm
just kidding. Get it, she's HOT." Howlinksi then collapsed into a pile of
human char, making sure to open his mouth wide as his final death throe to
facilitate the recovery of his dental records.
Donnaro, who narrowly escaped the club before the entire building collapsed
from the fire, exclaimed upon reaching the parking lot, "Oh my Lord God,
that.... show.... was.... AWESOME!" Donnaro told reporters that he didn't
know that "scalping tickets" could also refer to tickets being
fire-branded onto people's scalps after a searing roll in the snow.
Lead singer and band leader of Great White, Jack Russell, proclaimed that
the band would never play again. Asked for his reason, Russell simply explained
that all ninety-six of their fans were now dead. "Those who made it out
alive, come on, they aren't our real fans. First of all, only pussies stand
near the back of the crowd. Secondly, our drummer died, so that's like a
problem because I can't sing worth shit ever since I quit injecting cocaine in
'93." Russell said that the most ironic part of the evening was that the
band had just finished playing their hit song, "Burnin' House of Love."
"No, I'm serious, that's not a joke," continued Russell, "we
really did have a song named that. If you ask me, that's pretty fuckin'
hilarious. Our hearts go out to the victims and their families, but not any
dead groupies... sluts for real."
many Rhode Island club goers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Toys 'R' Us Roof Collapses
Snow drifts atop the roof of a Toys 'R' Us in... somewhere in America I
assume... caused a portion of the roof to collapse, effectively trapping a group
of ten shoppers.... the luckiest toy shoppers ever.
"It was classic," recounts Yolanda Brown, area woman, "one
minute I was standing there envisioning myself as a child with nothing to do
but play with this fun looking 'Lifesize' Barbie Malibu Convertible Toy Car,
when all of a sudden the entire roof collapsed around me. I thought to myself,
oh Lord Jesus, I'm trapped!......... IN A TOYS 'R' US!" Brown
realized that nine other adult shoppers were in her same situation. "We
were ecstatic," explains Bush Perthington, area man, "Some of the
group wanted to return the cries for assistance we could hear coming from the
rescue workers but we shut them up, quick. 'SHH!' I yelled." Jennifer Scall,
area woman, admits that "it was probably the coolest thing to happen to me
since I was trapped inside a closed frozen yogurt stand for a weekend when I
was twelve. It's like, as long as you have enough air supply, there's nothing to
do except eat as much Frogurt as possible." Scall said at first she
feared the group would run out of food, however Brown quickly pointed out that
they could subsist on Easy Bake Ovens and Pop Rocks. "We
did the calculations and figured we could survive for twenty days solely on
melted snow and half-edible brownies. If we got bored, we could put Pop Rocks on
the brownies. Or, just eat the Pop Rocks alone, or put Pop Rocks in the snow,
whatever floats your boat," recalls Brown. Scall remembers when one
of the group members, Jonathon Radcart, suggested he and four other of the
trapped join into an alliance and try to out-survive the others. "After
he said that I shot him in the head.... with a cap gun. We all had a
good laugh," said Scall. Scall's daughter, Jennifer, 7, spoke with
reporters outside the complex during the search, which took most of the afternoon.
"This is so stupid, I know mom is in there," testified Jennifer.
"When she saw the roof collapsing, she scooted underneath."
Eventually, the search party followed the Electronic Uno Simon Says Bobble Game
sounds and found and rescued the group of ten, who reportedly let out a massive,
A Bunch of People in Turkey Died
Yeah, so what.