Once again, I left the conference room feeling incredibly pissed off at my client, boss and just about anyone else I could think of. Unfair criticism, unrealistic demands, lack of faith in my skills... This has become an all too familiar occurrence lately.
But today, after sitting at my desk for a while and cooling off, I understood something. I'm actually angry at myself. I fail to meet the clients' and bosses' demands and schedules due to my own lack of motivation, faulty attitude and good old fashioned laziness. I fully admit I'm not committing anywhere near 100% of my energy and brainpower (the little I possess) to this job. When I think through things as objectively as possible, I can see the people in charge have been more than generous with me, and standed my unprofessional behavior for much longer than they should.
As I see it, I've got two options. One is to give up, quit my job and go live in the woods as a hermit on a vegan diet. The other is unfscking myself, trying to gather whatever motivation and concentration is attainable and work like hell. The latter is naturally the more intelligent choice. But the kind of growth it requires would most likely take a long time, especially for such an immature individual. And worst of all, being successful in following the choice probably means I'll have to shut down IRC and E2 for the workdays.
I forgot, were ultimate sacrifices supposed to make a person feel truly alive, or truly screwed?
Btw, welcome to Everything2, Deee. You will be assimilated, resistance is futile.