Maybe it builds up so slowly that you don’t even notice. Maybe it comes in the form of a revelation. Maybe your life circumstances dictate the feeling. I think I’ve hit it though. It’s the thing I’ve always seemed to be in denial about.
For the most part, I think its bound to happen to everybody at some point in their lives. It doesn’t care about what you look like, it doesn’t care about what God you have chosen to worship. As a matter fact, it couldn’t care less if you’ve chosen to worship one at all. It doesn’t care about who you’ve slept with or what partners you might have had. It doesn’t care what you eat, drink, snort, smoke, shoot, or pop. It doesn’t care about who your friends are, who they were, or who they’re going to be. It doesn’t care about your past or your future. It doesn’t care about your accomplishments or your failures. It doesn’t care if your healthy or handicapped, or if your deaf, dumb, or blind. This thing that I’m going on about seems to be a very fickle fellow. I’ve got the feeling that some day’s its going to go into hiding and some days, with increasing frequency, its going to rear it’s head and the feeling is overwhelming.
I was sitting at my favorite watering hole last evening and while sipping some libations, I began to take notice of my surroundings. The music, the crowd, the conversation that surrounded me, the sound of games and laughter all seemed, I dunno, kinda different.
The music was too loud, the crowd was too young, the conversation wasn’t anything I could come close to comprehending. The games I couldn’t play and the laughter seemed, well, young.
As I glanced up in the mirror that surrounds the bar, I took notice of myself. I didn’t look any different than the day before or the day before that. No radical changes in hairstyle, weight, dress or demeanor. I wondered what the hell was wrong with me. I decided to leave rather early (for me anyway) amidst much discussion from my friends. They wondered if I was feeling all right and with the best intentions inquired about my state of mind. I just couldn’t put my finger on it. I just didn't "belong" there anymore.
I made my way on home and amongst the quiet of my house the thought hit me. I’d finally arrived at the moment I’ve been dreading. I’ve hit middle age. Hit it head on and at full speed. This was not your run of the mill mid life crisis. This was more like a feeling of surrender to my youth, of days and events long past that won’t be recaptured. In a way, I envy you younger folks, in a way I don’t.
Why did it happen then? Why not a day, a week, a month or a year ago? Why did it pinpoint that exact moment? I don’t know if I feel contentment or defeat. Just another one of life’s little mysteries I guess.
Kind thoughts go out to one and all.