For the most part, as a citizen of the United States, I’m pretty proud of my country. When I was young, I even served it for four years. Even though at that particular time in my life I wasn’t too sure of what I doing and hated almost every moment of it, I’ve come to recognize the benefits it would have later on in life.
But this node isn’t about me. It isn’t about honor or duty or patriotism It’s about some harebrained ideas that our government concocted over the years to get rid of the Communist threat that was living a mere ninety miles or so off the coast of Florida.
True, the Cold War is over now and there’s dust settling in the bomb shelters but back in the 60’s our government came up some ingenious plots that were worthy of Ian Fleming and his James Bond novels to either discredit Castro or wipe him off the face of the earth. Let’s take a look at some of them…
”I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord”
Before Fidel even launched his coup there was some discomfort here in the States about the possibility of him gaining control. He would broadcast fiery speeches over the radio and incite the masses to take to the streets and rise up against their oppressors. Here in America, the powers that be took notice and decided that the best course of action wouldn’t be to kill him. That would make him a martyr for the cause and rally more people to his side.
It was decided that the best course of action would be to discredit him. Or, better yet, have him discredit himself. So in the bowels of some Washington think tank, a scheme was hatched. It involved flying over Havana and unleashing a chemical agent over a radio station where Castro would conduct his broadcasts. This chemical agent would re-produce the effects of LSD and turn Castro into a raving, albeit, peaceful lunatic in the eyes of his people.
I can just hear him now…”Hombre’s , have you ever really looked at your hands?
Warning: The Surgeon General has determined that smoking is hazardous to your health.
Not to stereotype Latino’s or anything but they do cut a swarthy image. All sorts of macho and masculine kinda shit. When it cam e to Castro, part of that image was his ever present cigar and his manly beard. The fine folks at the CIA determined that if they could just get his beard to fall out, he’d lose the respect of his people and soon be overthrown by another dictator who’s interests were probably more line with our own. There was only one problem, asking Castro to shave it himself wouldn’t have worked.
But hey, what if we sent him a box of poisoned cigars? Yeah, that’s the ticket! We could treat them with some kind of chemical that would impair his judgment and make all his hair fall out. Once the people saw what a “girly man” he and his no good Commie friends actually were, they’d be dancing in the streets for democracy.
Take it with a grain of salt…
What up with the beard fascination? Apparently in Cuba, facial hair on men = good. Facial hair on women = another story…
Before the advent of Nair, women used to use something called thallium salt to rid themselves of those unsightly hairs growing in places where hair had no business growing. What if somehow, we could lace Castro’s shoes with the stuff? Not only would his beard fall out but he’d be as hairless as a baby pig. The Cuban people wouldn’t stand for it!
The Godfather – Part One…
This is the kinda stuff that would make Mario Puzo proud. See, back before Castro seized power, Havana was pretty much owned by the mob. It was just like Vegas only with an ocean view. They owned the restaurants, the bars, the hotels and the casinos. When Castro nationalized all that shit the goombahs’ naturally took offense and wanted it back. In a strange alliance they teamed up with the CIA and tried to have some poison pill slipped into one of Castro’s meals as he dined at one of his favorite establishments. They never quite made it…
The Godfather – Part Two…
Or, if at first you don’t succeed. The year is 1962 and the Mafia is still fuming about losing their meal ticket in Havana. Enter one Cuban exile by the name of “Tony Varona”. He volunteered to hand deliver some more pill to an accomplice who would in turn feed them to Fidel. Beside the pills, he also wanted to take down a cache of arms and ammunitions to help fuel the fires once Castor keeled over. Nobody knows whatever became of the plan but Castro managed to hang on until very recently.
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Nice suit!
Castro had the nerve to take some of our boys prisoners after the failed Bay of Pigs invasion. An attoreny from New York by the name of Billy Donovan was involved in negotiations to secure their release. As a gesture of good faith, Donovan was to present Castro with a “custom made” skin diving suit courtesy of his capitalist comrades here in the States.
There was sonly one problem…
The suit was to be custom made with a super secret fungus that would cause a chronic skin disease. Just in case that didn’t work, the breathing apparatus would be coated with a bacteria that would cause Castro to contract tuberculosis. The Feds were all ready to shell out the big bucks to make this happen but as often the case, the best laid plans often fail.
It seems Mr. Donovan had already given Castro a diving suit on his own accord. Getting two of them might seem a bit suspicious and the plan was scrapped.
Sally sells seashells at the seashore
I’m sure the warm coastal waters of Cuba are just right for skin diving. While conducting routine surveillance the CIA determined that El Presidente had also noticed this and he was often seen frequenting his favorite diving spots. The masterminds decided to try and entice him into blowing himself up by placing a booby trap into a particularly alluring sea shell which they themselves would have placed by means of a mini submarine. Once Castro plucked it from the bottom of the ocean….BOOM!. Communism over, Democracy restored!
Too bad the mini sub didn’t have the range to actually place the shell within Castro’s grubby Communist paws.
The Power of the Pen
This is what’s known in crime fighting circles as an inside job. A disgruntled friend of Castro’s was recruited by the CIA to do their dirty work for them. The plan was to arm him with an innocent looking pen that was actually a syringe loaded with a deadly cargo. The assassination would take place just as Castro was delivering his annual speech and would be accompanied by an invasion of Cuban guerillas who had been in training in the jungles of South America for just this occasion. Should the plot fail, the would be assassin would inject himself with the poison pen and sever any ties he had with the CIA.
Somehow, it was discovered that Fidel had a few sources of his own and the plan was compromised, It was abandoned in 1965.
Folks, those are just the ones we know about. God knows what else was lurking out there over the years.
Makes me want to take up reading spy novels and conspiracy theories all over again..
http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/americas/02/19/castro.top10/index.html