Today I need more than a day log. I need a
mind dump. I need to suspend
making sense. It scares me when my world makes too much sense.
Scary scary scary. Scary like pop music that has no
imperfections imbedded in the fabric of the song because they have all been
air-brushed and ironed and scrubbed behind the ears and
this is not beautiful. Scary. Scary like spinning rooms and
ringing phones and
too much potential all pushed into one tiny moment and all you can do is
watch and
breathe and
listen. Scary
inside, not out in the air like it normally is, where you can reach out and grab it like a
butterfly or leave it if you like. Scary like choices. Scary like
no tears.
My life has entered a watery period, I'm not sure why, but I don't question these things anymore, just shrug and
exhale because I can't force a reason behind something as big as this
(can't stop what's coming can't stop what is on its way). That would make too much sense.Scary. If I read back through my summer nodes
they are all water. Rain and tears and
floating and a general all-round thirst. My spring nodes are
fire, and burning, and urgency and
hunger. I am starting to see a pattern. Scary. Again, the sense creeping back into my life. Perhaps air will be next, the suit of swords, the harsh double-edged slicing of reality into
black and white. But now my life is
fluid and flows into bigger things, at least from where I'm standing right now, from what I can see with my head bobbing above water. I like waves.
Waves are fun.