Today I need more than a day log. I need a mind dump. I need to suspend making sense. It scares me when my world makes too much sense. Scary scary scary. Scary like pop music that has no imperfections imbedded in the fabric of the song because they have all been air-brushed and ironed and scrubbed behind the ears and this is not beautiful. Scary. Scary like spinning rooms and ringing phones and too much potential all pushed into one tiny moment and all you can do is watch and breathe and listen. Scary inside, not out in the air like it normally is, where you can reach out and grab it like a butterfly or leave it if you like. Scary like choices. Scary like no tears.
My life has entered a watery period, I'm not sure why, but I don't question these things anymore, just shrug and exhale because I can't force a reason behind something as big as this (can't stop what's coming can't stop what is on its way). That would make too much sense.Scary. If I read back through my summer nodes they are all water. Rain and tears and floating and a general all-round thirst. My spring nodes are fire, and burning, and urgency and hunger. I am starting to see a pattern. Scary. Again, the sense creeping back into my life. Perhaps air will be next, the suit of swords, the harsh double-edged slicing of reality into black and white. But now my life is fluid and flows into bigger things, at least from where I'm standing right now, from what I can see with my head bobbing above water. I like waves. Waves are fun.