It is strange how someone's death can make you think about your own death. And frankly when I looked at my life it took me a good thirty seconds to figure out why to live. Albeit, I probably should have had this revelation sometime other than while driving home from school.
I got back from Christmas break only to find out a friend and former teammate of mine had just passed away. Only passed away isn't the right phrase. This implies it was atleast humane and probably painless. The kind of thing that happens due to old age. Tiffany was 15, much to young to die. Over the next few days, the facts made themselves clear. She had been shot in the head, and her and her father's bodies had been found in a burnt out truck in a remote area. Nothing else is known, unless you believe rumors. The rumors are awful. Try as I may, I still hear them. I feel like screaming to who ever is talking when I hear them, to shut up. Whatever they have to say is only causing more hurt, more pain. Who cares? Tiffany is dead. Gone. I will never see her smile again. I will not be able to fulfill my promise of seeing her run at cross country finals next year.
I'm driving down the road and I wonder what is the point to all of this? Do I really want to keep living only to be killed in some ruthless act of violence? I looked at the mailboxes and wondered if crashing into one would end my life. I kept driving. Somewhere, someplace in my mind told me to keep driving. And I kept thinking.
I thought about the guy I like, my friends, college, my family. My teachers, my classmates, my teammates. My senior prom, graduation, moving out on my own. What would all my friends do? Would they miss me? Who would come to my funeral? Would anyone remember me a year from now?
You never know the answers to these questions. I hoped my friends would remember me. I hoped my friends would miss me, but I also knew I didn't want to cause them unneeded pain. I knew them to well for that. I have a life to live.
I have a life to live.
I wanted to see if maybe I could get the guy I like to like me back. Fulfill my new year's resolution and find a prom date. Go to college, get a job, get married(not necessarily in that order). Heck, I had physics homework to do. I had clothes to wash, and a bed that I should have made before I left home that morning. I had The Princess Bride to finish reading. I wanted to see The Two Towers when it comes out next December. I wanted to see my dad this weekend. I wanted to think, to breathe, to live.
I have a life to live.