Have you ever been told that being with you was
wrong?
Morally and ethically wrong.
I was told this last night to my face after weeks of vague lies and uncomfortable silences.
I was so stunned by the statement that I was left numb.
"So what do you mean wrong?" I croak out.
"It's kinda' like the two little voices in your head, the angel and the devil...I dunno', it's just wrong."
What the fuck kind of answer is that? What exactly is that supposed to mean? Am I just supposed to nod and smile and say okay, you warped and demented sack of heartless shit, you couldn't tell me this before? You couldn't have opened your mouth and said, "Oh, and by the way, I have no interest in you, I never did, I never will, you're wasting your time, I'm an empty shell emitting a non-stop, coast to coast broadcast of bullshit twenty four hours a day 7 days a week. Can't we just be friends?"
NO! Sorry slick, you fucked up.
You pride yourself on your honesty and maturity, but I find myself having to pry the truth out of you with one foot planted on your chest and my arms up to the elbows down your throat. Fuck that. Whatever made me think that there was anything worth knowing inside you. If everything that's happened so far is any indication it's all bullshit anyway. You make everything so complicated, because deep down, you don't actually feel anything, you don't have anything of worth to say. So fuck you. Fuck your bullshit interest in my work, fuck that strong silent type crap, that gentle ear that listens to everything I have to say...
Where were you when I needed you? You shut down and shut me out. How can I trust your motives for anything after the things that I've heard from people. Your friends tried to warn me.
"We know how he treats women..." they said, ominous, but not very illuminating.
I had no delusions that you cared about me, I thought that you at least thought enough of me to let me know whatever vague semblence relationship we had was over. That you respected me enough to tell me instead of making excuses. I feel hurt, betrayed, but not completely suprised.
And another thing buddy, I am NOT in love with you. I liked you and apparently you took that to mean that I would follow your ass to the ends of the earth. At least that's what I've been told.
You may take my venom as a sign that I truly am in love with you. Let me explain it so that there is no confusion. I liked you. You interested and entertained me. You turned out to be using the same ol' "game" you've used on other girls. This pisses me off. The fact that I was dumb enough to think that we could have had anything together, pisses me off. The fact that you're so very "honest", but you were just giving me excuses, pisses me off. I got the wool pulled over my eyes yet again by some asshole guy who can't just say what's on his mind and be done with it. It has to be a game. Too bad you're not that good at playing it. I hope you're happy alone. I hope that you stay that way for a while. I would have treated you like a prince, I could've fallen for you. (dodged a bullet there!)
I will probably regret saying all of this after I've posted it. I'm gonna' go for it. Eternal damnation, here I come.
I apologize to those who read this disjointed pile of crap. I needed to get some things off of my chest.