Day 3: Labadee. Labada. Life Goes on, Bra!

For the record, Labadee sucks. A small island off the coast of Haiti, Labadee is the creation of Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines. The brochure says that Columbus discovered the island before his flagship ran aground on Hispaniola. It was then forgotten until Royal Caribbean “rediscovered” it 500 years later. Somehow, I doubt native Haitians overlooked the existence of an island a mile off the coast. As a result of this rediscovery, Labadee has become a Club Med type of beach resort. Lots of tropical drinks, crowded beaches, and bikini clad women. It’s exactly like the boat without the air conditioning, the food, or the good times. Joelle went lunchless. Her hamburger was swarmed by some sort of fruit fly and she decided it would be better to starve.

My shoulders got scorched. Luckily for me, I managed to correctly apply sun block to a small hand print sized portion of my back. If only they had a contest for silliest sun burn.

There was parasailing which looked fun but it also cost 100 bucks. Instead, I went to the market in search of an anniversary present for my girlfriend. I struck out. I’m going out on a limb when I say she wouldn’t be interested in a wooden statue of old people making out or a sign reminding her that “Jesus love you”. I saw a necklace that she might like but she warned me against ugly jewelry. Now I’m terrified because I have poor taste in all things fashionable. I started to walk away when the merchant dropped the price to 5 bucks. I would have gotten it but the last time I bought something for such a bargain I ended up with a dolphin shaped bottle opener. I was also offered the worst painting of Bob Marley ever created. I guess Haiti doesn’t hold Bob Marley in as high regard as Jamaica. At least I hope. If I see this painting in Jamaica, I’ll scream.

Tonight was Mexican night. Another painful reminder that I wasn’t scaling Mayan temples today. I got shit-ass Labadee instead. Couldn’t decide what I wanted for dessert, Tres Leche cake or pineapple sherbet. I got them both. I love cruises.

The cruise version of the Newlywed Game was entertaining as always. Evan and Joelle went to audition but chickened out when they found out what they would have to do to win. The winner had his wife on his shoulders screaming like a banshee. Joelle would never go for that. My grandparents would have been on the show by virtue of their 65-year marriage. The longest married couple in the room was only married for 40 years but the husband doesn’t like his wife to wear bras... or so he says. Grandma and Grandpa decided to sleep instead.

I avoided the casino for the second straight night. Maybe I’m not a gambling addict after all.

Currently I’m sitting by the pool watching the other passengers “Dance under the Stars.” It’s cloudy and there aren’t any stars. Not that anyone is looking up anyway. Alas, it’s midnight, my beer is empty, and the band has started playing “Who Let the Dogs Out.” I’ll take that as a very good sign…

Read on… there’s more

Day 1: It rained on my Paradise
Day 2: Ernest Goes to Sea
Day 4: I seis the Rios, I siete the Rios, I Ocho the Rios
Day 5: The Voyage Home