I never meant to care so much. Attachment was never part of the plan.
Plan? What plan?
You'd think a separation of work and leisure would be easy. You'd think people are carefully divided into their pre-assigned, socially acceptable groups. You'd think that everyone was meant to be happy if they'd quit struggling. I never had a chance to think.
Would you have anyway if you did?
I know you never meant to hurt me… nor I to you. The distance put between us is half of the pressure. We knew we'd part, everyone does. It's a simple fact of life. It's not like we went into with expectations of infinite time or even a pinch of that. We never had any expectations past that last day. Missing you wasn't in the manual.
Like it would have made a difference if they warned you…
I'm beyond ecstatic for your place in life. I share your successes and joys. I want you to be happy, why wouldn't I? Your place, your friends, and your life: I simply wasn't part of that. The blueprint wasn't designed to hold me. Or us.
If you wanted to fit a mold you wouldn't have started this journey in the first place.
I saw you tonight… again. I got the expected head nod. I know your achievements. I keep track more than you know. Makes me feel like I'm breaking some code and not in the fun way. I wonder where you go afterwards, what you did before, what you'll do tomorrow… an endless flood, mulling over your life. I don't expect you to do the same. When you left you never glanced back. You shouldn't. Your life doesn't include me. You pass by me in life and only notice me when I stop by. I just never grasped the magnitude your small passing would have in the scheme of my life. I never anticipated attachment. The handbook never covered this.
I'm just not sure what to do now.
Quit.
I'm not sure what's the right thing is to do now.
I told you: Quit.
I'm not sure what the appropriate thing is to do now.
They told you: Quit.
I'm not sure what's the best thing is to do now.
You told you: Never Quit.
I'm not leaving. You know I can never do that. I'll be around. I'll be here. I'm not going anywhere. You know that. Everyone knows that. It's just that… it's just… painful. You must realize something, something you can't realize: Attachment wasn't part of the plan.