ARIES
March 21 - April 19
Pallas-Athena connects with Trans-Pluto this week which could mean the universe is planning something transforming for your life. You should feel like doing something different, like camping, but if you should do that, take great care. Being that spring has sprung, this seems to be a destination for a lot of Aries lately. Be warned, though, that the lunar standstill of last weekend has awakened a serial killer that most thought was dead by now. That's right, a big guy with a big machete wearing some type of mask will rise from his grave this week and will be taking a big "slice" out of your pie. By that I mean that he's going to take the machete and, like, slice you up. Don't try to run. Don't try to shoot him. Don't even attempt to punch or kick him. All attempts at thwarting his slow but sure advance on you will fail miserably no matter how slow he is walking. Your physical condition or any trophies you've won in track is inconsequential. So are boxing, karate, marksmanship, and kickboxing skills. Don't worry about the ankle you will inevitably sprain on a tree root while running and screaming in the woods (this applies mostly to the females). You will not have to endure that pain very long. The only way you will survive is if you are absolutely the last person at the camp left alive. Somehow you will find some crazy way to kill him so you can be there next year when he rises from the grave again and starts another murderous rampage and probably kills you then.
TAURUS
April 20 - May 20
There is a very strong possibility that giant ants, probably mutated by waste from a nearby nuclear power plant, will eat you this week. Most people don't realize just how strong and vicious ants are since most of the time they're so tiny. It will be quite a wake up call as the powerful jaws of the supersized ones snap your spine and squish all of your internal organs. You might also note how hairy they are right before their jaws crunch you into tasty bits, as their usually-tiny follicles are also hard to spot.
GEMINI
May 21 - June 21
This week you may find yourself kidnapped and held captive by a madman and stuck in a little room with some other poor sod. The duality of the Gemini twins will come into play here because the sick game your captor will play with you and another captive could have you torn in two -- literally and figuratively. Your morals and survival instincts will be put to the ultimate test as the key to unlock the bomb that has been chained to you is inside the body of the other captive. You will have been given a rusty old saw to remove it with. What will you do? Kill the other poor bastard to get the key or ignore your instincts and let the bomb blow you to bits? Yes, this week is going to be very challenging for you... and fun!
CANCER
June 22 - July 22
Be weary of garbage disposals this week. And big alien blobs. Somebody in your town will be coming down with a strange affliction: a viscous, purple, gooey thing is attached to his arm and beginning to eat him alive. It will grow and eat him... and eventually everything in its path! It will grow bigger, and bigger and begin consuming your entire town! If the blob gets a hold of you and consumes you, as it begins to melt your skin off, burning all of your muscles, viscera, and any other internal tissues, do whatever you can to taste bad. It's up to you to figure out how one does that. Oh and you may get to meet the ghost of Steve McQueen.
LEO
July 23 - August 22
If you watch any VHS tapes this week, be weary of any that feature a ring shape, a scary-looking woman, a lighthouse, and other weird crap. You and other Leos out there this week are in a high cycle and therefore feel like taking chances and pushing things to the limit. When it comes to watching a video tape that you heard kills people because you figure it's probably just a silly urban legend, that's a chance you don't want to take. For it is true; upon watching the tape you'll get a phone call warning you that you'll be dead in one week. If you get that phone call, rest assured, you won't be checking your horrorscope next week! The only way to escape death via a strange little girl coming out of your TV and freaking you to an early grave is to make a copy of the tape and leave it in a video rental store (if you can find one that still rents VHS that is). But if you did that, wouldn't you be a gigantic asshole?
VIRGO
August 23 - September 22
Jupiter-Saturn is responsible for that inner feeling that creates the need to establish a better future for yourself this week. Do not plunder any old mummy tombs to accomplish this. Sure you might make an amazing discovery that could put your career on the map, but would it be worth it if the curse of that mummy would be activated? This curse will undoubtedly unleash horrible plagues upon you and your associates including locusts and disease. Also, the mummy you just found, it's going to awaken and begin killing you all by stealing your organs and tissues to rebuild himself. Other fun things you have to look forward to, until you die, are nasty little beetles burrowing into your flesh and eating you from the inside out. Bon appetite!
LIBRA
September 23 - October 22
Like Virgos, Libras this week will also have the urge to better their life. However, rather than making a name for yourself, you will be just concerned with trying new things and taking some risks. Make sure it is not testing the matter transporter device you've just invented. If you do, there is a strong possibility that a pesky little fly will end up in the transporter with you. If this happens, watch out, for the head of the fly will end up gigantic and on your body and your head will shrink and end up on the fly's body. Sure this sounds intriguing at first, maybe even exciting, but the big fly head will eat your girlfriend/wife, boyfriend/husband. And as much fun as you might be having vomiting on dog poo and licking up the partially-digested remains for nourishment, the party will be over when somebody -- possibly even a friend -- will get annoyed with you and swat your ass. Before you go SPLAT! you may scream "Help me, help me!" but your voice will be so tiny that your friend will not hear you.
SCORPIO
October 23 - November 21
Your positive energy this week will give you an air of confidence that will cause others to look to you for answers or insight. When they do, however, they might notice that your son is the antichrist! Red marks of death, or omens will start appearing one people whom your son doesn't like. They will die in all sorts of gruesome ways and it is up to you -- and maybe a priest friend if you're lucky -- to stop him. No, this calls for more than merely giving him a time out or taking away his Pokemon cards. You may have to cut his head off. Of course, he'll probably just kill you first. After all, he has a prophecy to fulfill. Who are you to keep him from his career of spreading death and evil across the world? Sure it'd be nice if he just took over the family business, but your children cannot always follow in your footsteps! You just have to let them follow their own path, even if it is a path straight to Hell.
SAGITTARIUS
November 22 - December 21
You will be doing a lot of pondering this week, probing into things deeper and asking questions like "What did that mean?" or "Why did that happen?" or "Why'd he do that?" or "Why does that alien keep shoving those strange instruments up my rectum?" That's right, Sags, be expecting to be adbucted by aliens this week. It will probably happen one night when you are alone driving along some idle, forgotten road near your place of residence. Suddenly your car radio will cut out, probably during your favorite song - which hopefully isn't anything by Britney Spears. The car will stop after all its electrical systems go haywire. Strange lights will appear in the sky. It's a UFO! Suddenly you're getting out of your car as if something is controlling your movements. A beam of light surrounds you and slowly brings you up into the alien ship. Once inside they will strip you and use their psychic powers to subdue you as you're shackled to an examination table. At this point, expect the aliens - thin, grey, sickly looking things with big, black eyes - to probe every orifice, particularly your rectum. If you are a female, they will remove some of your eggs for their nefarious alien/human hybrid experiments. When you are finally released you may have no memory of it, at least at first. But when you do recall it, most of the people around you will think you're crazy, except your crazy friends. Your sore ass will not be proof. You may turn this horrifying experience into profit, though, as you could possibly get a book deal out of it. And the book might be made into a movie. Most of your friends and family might still think you're crazy, but at least you'll be rich and crazy.
CAPRICORN
December 22 - January 19
This week, if you're a Capricorn, you may not want to go to sleep. At all. Get real chummy with Juan Valdez and make lots of pots of coffee, for if you don't, the guy that your parents got together and killed oh about fifteen years ago will be coming back for revenge -- in your dreams! That's right. That child molester that your parents and your friends' parents burned alive in the late 80's is coming back from the dead...sort of. When you fall asleep he will torment you in your dreams. Eventually he'll figure out your weakness and take great delight in hurting you in your dreams, usually by stabbing you with his metal claws. Even though it's in your dreams, the wounds he causes you will actually appear on your body! And if they're fatal in your dream, you'll die in real life! At least you might be humored before you die, for this supernatural fellow is a real cut up with his smartass, witty banter before he finishes you off. Like if you're fat, he might say "You're gonna die fatso!" Well... that's maybe not a very good example.
AQUARIUS
January 20 - February 18
Your optimism looks like it will be quite high until the middle of the week. You may even decide to go on a little adventure on a whim, take a drive out to that cabin on the resort that you own, or your mother owns, or your brother owns, etc. Once out there, you and any friends you bring along might come across a curious book called the Necronomicron. Whatever you do, don't read any passages from it! It is the Book of the Dead! And if you find any kind of tape recording of demonic incantations, do not play them. And don't even think about hooking the recorder up to a computer and downloading them into your iPod, no matter how much you may be tempted! If you do any of those things, be advised that you will have opened a gateway to the netherworld and nasty demons will come and kill all of your friends in spectacularly bloody and violent ways. Your hand may become haunted, which will force you to cut it off. If this happened, it is highly advised that you find the nearest chainsaw and attach it to your stump so you have a really cool weapon to fight the demons with. If you survive, you may end up going through a portal which will transport you to the past, to the middle ages. Then things will stop being scary. They will only be extremely silly. Well maybe still a little scary.
Oh, and if you find a shotgun, be sure to nickname it your "boomstick." Do this you must.
PISCES
February 19 - March 20
The total solar eclipse which will be happening on March 29th (see here for more details) will not effect you very much except maybe enhance your insight. However, look for it to scramble the brains a little of your friends, the ones who are really into horror/serial killer movies. Look for them to concoct a completely and utterly insane scenario where they use their knowledge of said movies to recreate them and use it to test their twisted - but sometimes accurate - scary movie theories. Yes this involves killing you and many of your sane friends. Most will be stabbed - numerous times. Others might have their heads crushed in a garage door. If you're still a virgin, though, you're safe. One of their theories is the virgin is always spared. So don't give it up to anybody this week. The jury's still out, though, as to whether or not you can fellate anybody. Better not just to be safe.