Tyler Evans, Grade 5, Mrs. Rothman's class, Shady Grove Elementary
Vichizzle McNizzle, Pimp Daddy
Vichizzle: Holiday greetin's y'all. I guess today we talkin bout da spooks, da good ol night bumpins, GHOSTS. I here to tell ya today that ghosts are nuttin but a buncha bull shit, y'all. Peeps be always askin me "Hey Vichizz, d'ya believe in the ghosts? You believe dead people be walkin among us?" Know what I say to dat? "No, cuz they fuckin dead, y'all!" You ever see a person you know is dead up and walkin around? No, cuz they DEAD! Six feet under! Bought they fuckin farm, they worm food, fuckin dead! You know why I haven't seen my old buddy C-Bone since 1999? Cuz fuckin Leroy Clemmons busted 15 fuckin caps in his fuckin ass, dat why! His ass be fuckin DEAD! You can go grab a shovel and dig his boney ass up at Mount Pleasant Cemetary over by Fifth and Market if you don't believes me!
Ghosts? Shiiiiat! I don't believe that shit. Sure I likes me a ghost story now and again, but mothafucka lotta you people out there take it way too far. This bitch I used to date a few years back wanna take me to a fuckin haunted house. I'm talkin one claimin to be a real haunted house, not those goddamn places with a buncha white folk drenched in fake blood revvin fake chain saws. No, the whities there say they real ghosts there. I say "Ah-right, Vichizz check it out, hey, maybe might see a ghost!" So there we izz, me, Latisha, an my buddy Cleavant, with some young white dudes and dudettes, and some fuckin fat "psychic" lady (anutha bull shit story) supposedly talkin to they fuckin ghosts. Some o' them get freaked out at sounds like water goin through the pipes, floors creakin, they think they hearin ghosts! Damn psychic lady say she feel a "cold spot" and then uthas say they feel it too. There was a fuckin hole in the wall! It's an old piece of shit house with fuckin holes in it! No ghosts! I wanted my twenny-fi-dollah back! Shit! Well, Cleavant did shit his draws after hearin some muthafucka moanin and groanin in a nearby room. Turn out is was just somebody takin one big ol', holy-hurtin-crap and we wuz right by the bathroom! But I guess seein Cleavant screamin like a bitch might be worth price of admission!
Only time I evah thought I seen a ghost was when I got a holda some really fucked up weed, fucka who sold it to me lace it with PCP or some shit. I tripped my fuckin balls off! I saw Casper, I think, but he wasn't no friendly ghost! Not until he gave me a blow job, though. I don't like to talk about that much, ahh-right?
So to sum up, there ain't no ghosts, never has been, nevah will be! There's a lotta dead muthafuckas, but none o' them be hauntin! Peace out!
Tyler: I think ghosts are real. My friend Brittany, she says she saw a ghost once and she'd never lie to me. She says it was her Dad! Even though he died a long time ago - her Mom says he was killed by a big, big bear - she says late one night she saw him in the kitchen fighting with her Mom, asking her for money and some pills! I didn't know ghosts needed money and drugs, so that was kind of weird.
I like to watch all of those ghost story shows on TV around Halloween. They're cool. They clearly show that there are lots and lots of ghosts in lots of places! Like there was this lighthouse up in the East with ghosts and brewery in St. Louis with some. And New Orleans has a ton of them supposedly. Maybe after Katrina they have a lot more.
My Dad doesn't believe in them, either. He says when you die you either go to Heaven or Hell, like my sister and her black boyfriend, and that's it. It makes me sad when he says my sister is going to Hell. But anyway, there was this one Halloween, though, where he called me into the basement, said he found a ghost, I walked down those creaky, dark stairs and he jumped out with a sheet over his head yelling "Booga booga booga!" I peed my pants and couldn't sleep that night but later I thought it was kinda funny. My Dad says a lot of stuff is like that, not real funny at the time but funny later, like when Uncle Jed was cutting a branch off of this tree in his yard, but he was sitting on the branch he was cutting. When he was falling he hit a bunch of other branches on the way down. It was really scary at the time but now my Dad just laughs and laughs about it. My Mom doesn't because Jed's her brother and she just mostly cries when Dad jokes about it. But I think Jed would laugh, too, but mostly these days he just sits there and doesn't do nuthin.
When I die, I wanna be a ghost. Then I could haunt Stanley Hopkins. I hate him. He takes my lunch money and sticks my head in the toilet. I would stick his head in it all the time and make him fall down the stairs. That would be really cool! Happy Halloween, everybody!
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