Tyler Evans
, Grade 3, Mrs. Baker's Class, Shady Grove Elementary
Vichizzle McNizzle, Pimp Daddy

Valentine's Day

Vichizzle: Ah-right, muthafuckas, time to lay out dis Valentine's shit out fo ya post haste! Firstlies, V-Day is a buncha fuckin bull shit, y'all. Sho it started out like a long time ago and stuff wit dat Saint Valentine cat who defied The Man and married Roman soldiers when he wudn't sposed to and they fuckin clubbed and stoned his saintly ass to death. But before they kilt him, he fell in love with a jailer or something, so then after that February 14th became a day to celebrate love in that dumbass's honor. Then some pedophile or sumthin come along and said this flying nekkid baby should be V-Day's character, along with fuckin Santa Claus and the goddamn Eastuh Bunny. The story of the nekkid baby, or Cupid (which ironicallies rhymes with "stoopid") is that he some dude axchully named Eros, the Roman god of love and he fuckin busts arrows in people's asses and then they fall in love. Come on, what the fuck? A nekkid baby shootin people in the cornhole and then they falls in love? Tell you what, anybody shoot Vichizzle in the derriere the only love he see is my love to shoot dumb muthafuckas with my glock! Werd!

But the real reason V-Day be bull shit these days is it's another one of those fuckin holi-daze, like yo fuckin Momma's Day an Daddy's Day and yo goddamn Sexertary's Day, which is only out thur cuz of the fuckin greeting card companies like Hallmark wantin' to make a lotta jack! Fuck Hallmark and they millionz! Hur's whatchoo do fo fuckin Valentine's Day. Don't buy no cards or chocolates or any utha of that shit fo yo ho, whatchoo gotta do is fuck her good. Dat's right. An you ladies, what you get yo man is let him fuck you good. Dat's right. Vichizz know all 'bout it, I fucked many-a-lady good. First of all, break out yo finest weed. Get out yo best bongs, and if you gots a bettah of the two, give her da best one. Make her feel 'preciated, knowhaddi'msayin? Then ya gots to set the 'tude fo the mood, get out yo romantical -- i.e. fuckin -- music (that phat cat Barry White, now he the shit fo this) Then when you both high as the fuckin space station, after listenin to yo fuckin moo-zack fo a while, she be puddy in yo hands, so get her to yo bed, get dat bitch's clothes off, and get bizzzzay, muthafuckas! Tap dat bitch's ass, frontwards, backwards, up da ass, in the grass, and evurwhere inbuttween! Dependin on what she want, fuck her hard, fuck her slow, fuck her in any ho, fuck her smooth, all night looong if ya can last! Give her the best fuckin Valentine's Day present thur izz!

Tyler: Valentine's Day is a day where you give cards to people, called Valentines and candy and you do yucky stuff like kiss them. But most important, you wish them a happy Valentine's Day. At school, every Valentine's Day we have a party where everybody gives everybody else in class a Valentine. If you're a boy, you even have to give other boys Valentines. That makes my daddy mad. He says I shouldn't have to give Valentines to boys. He says only faggots give Valentines to boys and that the school had a homersextual agender. Well basically he means that the gays are taking over the schools and trying to teach everybody that being a fag is OK.

But anyway, besides giving Valentines to boys, Valentine's Day is fun. I like giving the best ones to the prettiest girls. I give the stupid ones to ugly girls or boys, like the ones that say "I choo-choo-choose you!" and it's got a picture of a train. I like trains, but it's a stupid thing to put on a Valentine. It's hard to pick out which ones say you don't like people without them actually saying you don't like them. It takes a lot of time and I am usually up past bedtime on nights before Valentine's parties because of it. That part I don't like cuz I'm tired the next morning.

Another thing you can do at my school if you have a few dollars is to send candy grams. I got one once from Sally Parker. She's pretty but bothers me. I got one this year already from Bobby Miller even though I told him my dad said we can't be friends anymore. Maybe my dad was right, maybe he is a fag. I miss being his friend, though.

Sometimes Valetine's Day is sad.

Vichizzle: Oh shit. Uhh, listen, if you see my girl, make sho you tell hur dat I, uh, went to get the chocolates, but, like, uh, the sto, they wuz outta 'em, ya dig? And they wuz outta flowahs, too. And don't mentions dat I say Valentine's was bull shit or none o dat. Oh, here she come, uh, Tell her you ain't seen me...!

Tyler: I miss Bobby.

11/24/04 == 12/20/04 == 12/21/04 == 12/30/04 == 01/31/05 == 02/10/05 == 02/14/05 == 05/18/05 == 07/25/05 == 09/01/05 == 10/24/05 == 12/22/05 == 07/20/06 == 10/31/06 == 02/07/07 == 07/13/07 == 12/18/07 == 9/17/08