With all the buzz about space tourism lately, I have decided to build a rocket and give away some tickets to its maiden voyage. However, this rocket isn't going for some lovely jaunt in the orbit of our great, blue, beautiful planet. No, unbeknownst to its passengers, this rocket is going straight to the sun. That's right. Some of you may point out that I am inspired by a Simpsons episode, but the following is a list of totally unsuspecting people that I am giving the tickets to:
- Ann Coulter: Here's a person that I'm going to make sure has one of the front seats. Read the node on her and some of you will agree. A trip to a giant ball of gas that's 6,000°C (11,000°F) on the surface would do her good. Nobody needs her ultra-right wing, crap-spewing mouth any longer, not even the rest of the Conservatives, as she often reinforces the bigoted and heartless stereotype that is often assigned to them. Here's your ticket, Ann, enjoy your flight! Oh, certainly, Ann, I'll make sure you're not seated next to any minorities or feminists. Have fun!
- One of the folks that most deserves this flight is Dennis L. Rader, the BTK killer. I'll make sure this sick fuck gets a front row seat. Here's a guy who killed whole families, who hung an 11-year-old girl on a drainage pipe in her basement, kept taking her down when she would start to die, so her long and torturous death would last about an hour. Oh and then he got off on it and masturbated while doing it, and gizzed on her body. Nobody needs a serial killer like this on the planet any longer. Here's your ticket, Dennis, enjoy your flight, sorry, there will be no in-flight movies of little girls being strangled.
- Pat Robertson: I don't think I have to explain very much, especially to you guys, why this dude needs to go. But any right-wing religious whackjob who says that America deserved the 9/11 attacks because we allow gay rights and such, and was recently stupid enough to call for the assassination of the president of Venezuela on television, gets a gold ticket. Sorry, Pat, contrary to your future plans, I really hope you're actually going to Hell, and here's a first class ticket to help you get there!
- Jerry Falwell needs to go, too, for much the same reason that Robertson does. It was actually him who initiated the conversation about 9/11 on The 700 Club. Besides, Pat's going to need somebody like-minded to keep him company during the long flight to delicious oblivion. Have a nice flight, Jerry!
- Al Sharpton: A lot of you may disagree with me here. I have a writeup in that node, see that for why good ol' Al bugs the hell out of me. If you don't want to go over there, here's a good summary: he's always looking for racism where there isn't any and every times he goes on one of his witch hunts he lays waste to years of racial progress in this country. Sure he's funny, he's got personality, I saw him on Comedy Central during the 2004 elections. But he's a bigmouth who loves the sound of his own voice and he stages protests for phantom racism and he just needs to shut the fuck up...forever. Here's your ticket, Al, it's the seat right next to Ann Coulter!
- Whoever decided that it would be a good idea to manufacture and market thong underwear for preteen girls. I'm still trying to find out who that is so they can get their ticket. I'll keep you posted. Actually, I won't, that's just an expression there.
- Nobody deserves to be on this flight more than Osama bin Laden. There may actually be some of you here who disagree. I don't care. I don't give a flying shit about supposed atrocities because of our government, or foreign policies, or what Islam has to do with it, and anybody out there who thinks we deserved it for any reason can have a ticket, too. You do not fly planes into buildings and kill about 3,000 innocent people just going to work in the morning, you don't pilot the planes or send people to do it or have anything to do with such a horrible act!!! Osama's flying in the baggage hold, he doesn't even get to enjoy his final flight. I'll have a special transmitter down there so I can enjoy hearing him scream as his skin starts to melt off as the rocket slowly enters the sun's corona.
- Supreme Court Justices David H. Souter, Stephen G. Breyer, John Paul Stevens, Anthony M. Kennedy, and Ruth Bader Ginsburg: These galactic assholes are the Supreme Court justices that ruled that it was OK for your town to demolish your home and put up a shopping mall. The case was KELO V. NEW LONDON (04-108) where a group of Connecticut homeowners was suing their town for trying to take their homes ala eminent domain for a commercial development. Until the decision in which the Court allowed that, eminent domain in the United States meant taking homes for public use such as roads or parks. As of late-June 2005, now your homes can be taken from you and given to another private citizen/company and there's nothing you can do about it (with monetary compensation that may or may not give you what your home/land was/is worth). Public outcry over this ruling has been vehement and I don't know anybody, liberal or conservative, Democrat or Republican, who has been for it. So fuck you guys, here's your tickets, enjoy the flight!
- Jack Thompson: Thanks to BrooksMarlin for this info and suggestion... This douchebag is an attorney who files lawsuits against video game companies on behalf of victims of school shootings. Sorry, anybody who goes on a shooting rampage is unhinged anyway, and if anything, playing a violent video game discourages such behavior because they get to play out their frustrations in fantasyland instead of real life. Here's your ticket, Jackoff, and as an added bonus, I'm giving you a video game console and a copy of Grand Theft Auto to play during your flight!
- Anybody who thinks reading/watching Harry Potter is evil and teaches kids to practice black magic. You're fucking MORONS. Harry Potter has about as much chance to teach kids to do dark magic that the Back to the Future movies have of teaching kids to time travel. And Harry Potter's not evil anyway. And he's not real, anyway. Actually there's not room on the rocket for all of them, I'll just have to find one person in particular who's representative. When I find a perfect candidate, I'll let you know.
Again, that was just an expression.
- O.J. Simpson: Hey, jackass, how's your search for the real killer going? Here, take this ticket, this should help in your quest.
- William Hung: NEWSFLASH, Billy-boy: YOU SUCK! There was a reason they didn't send your suckass to American Idol. How you keep stretching out your fifteen minutes of fame is beyond me. Do you realize that it's all one big joke and you're the butt? Here's your ticket, and, congratulations, you're part of the in-flight entertainment.
- Michael Jackson: So, what, are you a black man, or a white woman? I'm confused. It's sad, actually, you have so much talent, I loved those songs back in the 80's and early 90's. But, dude, you're fucked up to the max. And you're responsible for somebody dying in a hospital during your trial. When you were admitted you just had to have your own room and they had to move somebody hooked to a respirator. And you know what? Your trial didn't teach you anything, did it?! You'll be sleeping with the kiddies again anytime now probably. Well, before you do that, here's your ticket, the ride's going to be a real THRILLER.
- While on that subject, let's give a ticket to Cardinal Bernard Law! This Bostonian low-life covered up molestations on the part of the priests he'd supervised. Sure he resigned after public pressure, but let's make sure this guy doesn't come back. Here's your boarding pass, you're sitting next to Michael.
- Fred Phelps: Founder of godhatesfags.com. Hey, dickweed, if God hated anybody, which he supposedly doesn't, it would be you, you piece of shit. Not only are you a myopic hate mongerer, but you're probably only pissing off God, not pleasing him as you think you are, by purporting that you know who He hates and who He doesn't. If lightning doesn't strike you down before the flight, here's your first class ticket, buddy!
- Yoko Ono: The Beatles, despite how timeless they're supposed to be, were still before my time, and as such I never really got into them. However, I am well aware of the venomous hatred most hard core Beatles fans have of this woman. I'm not going to get into the whole debate over whether or not she broke them up because I don't really have any information on that, but I will say that I agree she's extremely annoying and really needs to shut the hell up. She'll be singing with William Hung for the in-flight entertainment.
- "Dr." Laura Schlessinger: She hosts a radio call-in show where people ask her about their problems and is usually incredulous about their problems and berates them more than helps them. The show isn't for the people calling in at all, it's for her and her bloated ego and self-righteous attitude that her morals alone are the right way. And along the way sometimes she manages to offend many classes of Americans, namely homosexuals, by calling them deviants and associating them with pedophiles. This stupid, ignorant bitch is mean, offensive, and worthless as far as I'm concerned. Go have tea with Satan once you arrive at your destination!
- Louis Farrakhan: This dude is so out there he's orbiting Saturn. He's racist against white people (and yes the term reverse-racism is retarded, racism is racism, people!). If there was a black version of the KKK he'd be Grand Dragon of it. He just goes way overboard when championing black rights and fighting racial discrimination (against blacks). Here's your ticket, you get a seat next to Jerry Falwell!
- Courtney Love: She rode into fame on Kurt Cobain's coat tails and I suspect she had something to do with his death. She sucks, one of the worst singers ever, and she's just a strung-out, high, drunk, gigantic waste of our precious resources (air, water, food).
And that fills every seat in my rocket!
Alternates: (in case any on that list dies before the flight) Michael Savage (a wingnut who hosts a radio talk show, ultra-conservative, and is supposedly anti-gay, but I've never heard him utter any anti-gay sentiments and I like his show sometimes); Michael Moore (I actually like him and think he's informative and funny, but he does go too far sometimes and there are a lot of folks who'd like to see him make the flight), Mike Tyson (insane rapist and unintelligent boxer), Rush Limbaugh (conservative tv/radio talk show host, thinks he knows everything, has an ego as fat as his gut)... and, well, if you have any other alternates you'd like to suggest, /msg me. I'm tapped.