I got a call several weeks ago from my doctor's office informing me that my cholesterol was high and that my triglycerides were dangerously high.

How "dangerously high" you ask? Well later I got the actual numbers. According to the sheet, healthy numbers of cholesterol is 200 or under. Mine was 254. Bad, but not alarming. I'll live. Then I looked at the triglycerides. Healthy numbers are 120 and below. Mine was 982! And, no, that was not a typo. I also was informed that I had high blood sugar and that I am diabetic.

"What?!" I say. Me? Diabetic? Are you kidding? No more candy bars? No more regular soda? That's just crazy, doc! No, I don't have any symptoms. I feel fine.

In a subsequent appointment my doctor explained to me the relationship between diabetes and triglycerides. The body sends sugar molecules that are unable to be absorbed by your cells, despite high amounts of insulin, to the liver. The liver turns the sugar molecules into liquid fat, or triglycerides, and sends them on their merry way into your bloodstream.

So now I not only have to avoid fat and cholesterol (I want to lose weight and shake this "fat diabetes" or "adult onset diabetes") I also can't eat sugar (or starches because they turn into sugar). Insane! I go to the store. This has high sugar but low fat. This has high fat, no sugar! Arrgh! Oh, and this has an insane amount of sodium. Geeearrrggghh! What am I supposed to eat?!?

The answer is lots of vegetables and lean meats. Fah! I love carrots and peas, though. Oh, wait, those have high sugar? Jesus H. Christ!

So now, while writing this node, I'm snacking on celery, dipping it in no-fat ranch dressing. Celery is the only negative-calorie food. You don't get any nutrition from it and you burn energy digesting it. And it's crunchy. Go celery! If I eat enough of these crunchstalks, along with my nightly walking around the neighborhood, I'll lose weight and this evil diabetes in no time!

And then I think I'll inhale a Snickers bar.