Sure, Cap'n Crunch stays crispy in milk - it also turns the roof of your mouth into a raw, bloody mess! These rock-hard nuggets of corn meal and sugar must be honed by a special Quaker Oats cereal-sharpening machine. I can remember actually feeling ribbons of flesh in my mouth after a saturday morning marathon of cartoons and sugar cereal when I was a kid.

I would not recommend engaging in oral sex within 24 hours of ingesting this cereal - open oral lesions and other peoples' sex juices are a bad combo.