On perceived bullshit

I'm one of those billions of folks that rest on Saturdays and Sundays. Most of my social interactions take place in the weekend because it's when I have enough time and energy to deal with them with absolute freedom. I love going out to quiet bars, jazz cafes, museums and whatnot. I'm more of an introvert, but I really like to spend time with my friends.

When they are here.

"E" works only a block away from me, but her job entails a lot of traveling, so we can't see each other often. I haven't seen or heard from "V" since February, when the love of her life finally got the guts to start a new relationship and they moved in together. Both she and her brother "P" forget about everyone else when they're in a relationship or when things go really bad for them, which means that even my attempts to text them and cheer them up are only replied with a cold I'm fine thanks. After a few tries, I figure they really don't want to talk and wait for them to text back, which obviously never happens.

Then there's "F", who's an awesome friend but is on vacation somewhere in the Caribbean. "X" is also awesome, but she's finishing up her studies in Medical School, so most of her free time is spent either studying, sleeping or worrying that she's not doing of the other two. "N" lives really close to me, but she's a mom now and apparently she doesn't have any free time on weekends. "R" and "J" are also great, but they change plans like a girl changes clothes and are crazy enough to tell me something like "Hey, we can't make it to the bar now, but we're about to hop on a bus to Oaxaca, why don't you come? We'll be back by Wednesday". That's pretty much it, my other friends live beyond my area code.

I'm crazy enough to do things by myself, and go out to explore a city that is still new to me, that's how I end up knowing about that small unknown diner around the corner that makes an incredible apple pie. It's not bad, but I think it's not really good.

The really bad comes later, at night when I'm too tired to do anything but sleeping or gaming. I log on to Facebook and see lots of pictures and statuses about people going out and enjoying all sorts of things with their friends. That's when I get the realization:

(1) My friends repeatedly bullshit me.

I get that you have things to do. I know that your job, your girlfriend/boyfriend, your hobbies and desires all need your time and attention; I know it because I also have a job and I also set time aside for singing and writing and doing my chores in and out of my house. If you tell me that you can't see me now, but maybe some other time, I'll believe you without asking questions. If you tell it to me many times, I won't ask because I know some people really don't have any free time at all, despite their best intentions.

But if you tell me you can't see me now and a few weeks later you've already seen 5 new movies, went to the small concert of that indie artist you like and attended the photo gallery opening, then I'm sure you do have free time to spend. You're just consciously or unconsciously deciding to spend it in something that doesn't include me.

I know that (1) is nothing but the emotional conclusion arrived to by a depressive person (which means, by definition, that his brain doesn't work properly); I keep telling me that I can't see things clearly and maybe I'm missing something. The thing is, after some months or years, the evidence for (1) keeps piling up and the evidence against it doesn't keep up the pace.

I'm growing tired of it. I feel that I've always been taken for granted. I believe that friendships are relationships too and as such have to be nurtured or they die. I'm terrified that I may have to euthanise relationships with people very close and very dear to me, but I see no more options. I can't force people to be with me.