Sometimes I wish I were the only one in my group of friends with
deep-seated emotional problems; No one else
represses as well.
The pain and frustration at the fiery death of my first
relationship have died down to a tolerable ache in the pit of my stomach. The first scabs have formed over the festering wound-- oh god, it sounds like I'm writing
bad goth poetry.
Shoot me now.
It still hurts to think of him, to think of the things we shared together; my first
kiss. My first
love. My first
broken heart. Hell, my first
pregnancy scare. (Though that may have more to do with twenty years of repressed
Catholic guilt than any action on... his part.)
I
love him. I
hate him. I
miss him horribly. If he were to come back now... I don't know.
Heh, and here I thought I was good at repression.
Anyways... enough
self-indulgent weeping on other people's shoulders. I did have another reason for writing this, amazingly enough-- my
friends.
Nate and Melissa are
in love. Though perhaps it would be more accurate to say that Melissa is in love with Nate. Both of them are on the
rebound from a less-than-stellar earlier heartbreak; both of them deserve to be
happy. It's cute, if a bit
sickeningly sweet. I'm thrilled for them, even though I
cringe to see them kiss with the joyous abandon that only
young love --or
stupidity-- may have.
Emily, on the other hand, is not.
Thrilled, that is.
Betrayed,
pissed, or
jealous might be better choices. I can't even begin to describe why. Her
lack of a happy, healthy relationship, her inability to look at boys as anything other than
sexual playthings, and her highly possessive nature... those are just the basics.
I have a healthier
worldview, and I'm an
emotional cripple. She is the center of her friends' universes; anything else is simply
not acceptable. Hence the reason for her anger.
I'm stuck in the middle,
neutral territory as usual. Both sides use me to pass on messages to the other. It's like being back in
high school. I feel like locking the three of them into a small box and not letting them out until they've solved their problem or killed each other trying, whichever comes first. I'm tired of being the human equivalent of
Switzerland, dammit.
End Rant.