I haven't smelled boy for a long long time. You know, not just smelled them, but breathed in and smelled that good boy smell. Well, thats not true. One of my friends smelled like a boy one day. But, she is a lesbian who wears men's cologne. Its not even a boy cologne smell thats usually good. All I ever smell of boys around here is their dirty dorm rooms. How do they get them to stink like that? It blows my mind. They always smell like my 14 year old brother's room used to. Maybe I don't want to know any more about it. Its a combination of dirty clothes, shoes, maybe old food, and something else. I think that something else is what I don't want to know about.

All of my friends are going on diets. I found diet pills in my roommate's drawer when I was looking for advil this morning. They all talk about it. Beg me to drag them to the gym. Then bitch if I say anything. Like I haven't gained my fair 20 pounds since summer too. Especially after my Thanksgiving feasting. But its not like its a big deal. I really feel like I am back in Junior High: "No, you are not fat. You are so cute." and "No, those pants don't look any tighter than they did last week." and "No, eating a brownie doesn't mean your diet is over." I mean, shouldn't this be the kind of bullshit I have to deal with when I am 13 or over 30? I would think so.

I'm just sick of low self-esteem. Its so hard on everyone around you. I can deal with two or so people. But does every person I come in to contact with really need to tell me all their sorrows? It doesn't even really bother me if I really know the person. But the drunk confessions are way to much for me. "No, I really don't think everyone hates me. Can I have another beer?" and "No, you aren't going to get a beer gut if you drink 3 beers in one night."

Why does everyone want to be so thin? Well, not everyone. The above mentioned lesbian friend is trying to gain weight, but its really no better. "No, I don't think its bitchy of you to want to gain weight." and "Yes, I know that everyone else is trying to lose it. Its alright."

I just need to see that certain thin, good smelling boy. I need to get away from this place before I crack. I threatened to jump out the window tonight because my roommate wouldn't stop bugging me about all the work I have to do. "Yes, I know that I have a lot to do. Thanks. If it gets too bad I'll just jump out the window." She just kept knitting. At least she doesn't listen to reggae. I'm going to hide her diet pills. And then borrow her Handsome Boy Modeling School cd.