• It's Chinese New Year on the houseboat. I wanted to bring Chinese Cookies but couldn't find them in any of the markets. All I have is a large blueberry muffin with butter. My cousin is on the deck fishing, I go out to see him. It's cold, dark and stormy. "Don't fall in," I warn. "I'll be fine." He lunges forward, I reach out to grab him. "I'll be fine," he says while reeling in a log. I take my hands away and a giant squid comes up out of the water and pulls him in. I use his fishing rod to distract it, it grabs me instead. Using a piece of sharp iron I grabbed from the deck I sever its arms. It follows us back to the deck and I drive the piece of metal into it's head.

    I wake up wondering why there was no ink.

  • The sleazy guy was running for Prime Minister. His campaign manager was known to us, he did something bad to a child but no one remembers what it was. It wasn't sexual assault, it was something stupid and juvenile. The sleazy guy has greasy hair, a tiny moustache, and a green sweatshirt with holes in it. The other candidates are wearing suits. He tries to pick some old lady's hand off the counter while she's writing to shake and introduce himself. She gets very irate. Marvellous people-skills.