I thought she had told me in the past about how she'd go
read old journal entries and poems and feel a little
regretful that she saw patterns repeating that kept her
from being as happy as she could be about herself.
I thought maybe I represented this time around a way to
change one of the main cycles of her life. The main loop where she gets into relationships hastily, decides she doesn't like them, and then breaks out of them. And then
it was typical for her to always reflect upon them somehow as mistakes. Either because they were things she wished she hadn't tried, and she felt regret for the baggage. Or because they were things that could have been great but she didn't realize why she let them go. She'll instantly assume that I see myself as one of those she'll regret she let go. But no, I won't. I understand there were always insurmountable obstacles keeping us from ever being happy together in such a special way.
I just know that in my own life I don't have regrets or feel like I made mistakes about past relationships that turned into good friendships. It's the ones I ran from that linger in my mind in bad ways. I thought she really did enjoy my company at times and just felt bad about being romantic in spite of her love for me either being incomplete or perhaps not even existent. If she could turn that around into a friendship, I thought maybe she could break from the pattern of feeling bad about her past. At least in one instance.
It saddens me that she is leaving things as they are, and that in years to come she'll feel horrible about having met me and wasted time with me. I honestly don't think my requests are selfish. I think there are mutual rewards that are obtainable if she went for them.
And I'm not being selfish because I've found an outlet for my feelings. I don't intend to give up on my ability to find peace. If there was ever anything she could have learned from me... Besides, the times of you controlling my life with your mood swings is over.