After stumbling upon the node How to give a woman a handjob
where the author
says he may or may not have slept with 270 women
, I got to think
ing about similar claim
s some people
have been making. While Gene Simmons
's claim of two (or was it three) thousand is well known, the highest number I've ever heard is 10,000. I believe this was made by an NBA
player (whose name I'm afraid I don't remember*, though I'm sure observant American
s can help me out here - Wilt Chamberlain
maybe?). Anyway, 10,000 women, is this really possible?! Read on...
How to sleep with 10,000 women in four simple steps
First of all, we need to cover the basics. The English language, for all its beauty and richness, has a few flaws. Specifically, it allows someone to rent an empty warehouse, persuade ten thousand women to take a nap in the same space as him, and call it a day. But no, smart ass, this isn't what we're talking about here. Besides, as in any population of similar size, there would probably be a few insomniacs among your fellow sleepers (not to mention sleepwalkers - wuuuh..) which would make your claim, though pretty close to the truth, a downright lie. So back to the original interpretation.
Now, while you may safely be assumed to be insane to try a feat like this, you of course don't want to be a criminal. There are laws regarding age and sex, so to comply and be on the safe side, you should be 18 years or older.
As it turns out, 10,000 is a large number. Hell, it's huge! You'll need all the time you can get, so you should be as young as possible when you start, that is - 18. Thus,
STEP 1 - Be 18 years of age.
Now, not taking the religious laws of certain Middle Eastern countries into account, everything is perfectly legal. (Morality is a different issue.) And so, some might say, this is easy, just become a porn star!
No, no, no... This is a bad idea for at least two reasons, namely
a) This means that sex = work. Nobody likes work.
b) It won't do. Adult movie actor Ron Jeremy, in a documentary about Hollywood men a few years back, (also containing the phenomenon of Hollywood nude electricians and a way under-par music video by John Wayne Bobbit - *sigh*) made the claim that he was one of only three people to have starred in more than 1,000 adult films. Not that you've ever seen one of course but, on average, does a male adult actor get to have sex with ten different women in one movie? No, he does not. So that won't work, you're gonna have to do this the hard way.
This of course means looking at yourself and asking the question why anyone in their right mind would want to have sex with you. Could it be...?
a) You're just irresistible
b) It will take them a longer time to explain why they don't want to
c) It will make them feel special
While a) in extremely rare cases may be true, it will be difficult to combine with a day job, as you probably only will have time to have sex once a day. (Remember, you have to track people down as well.) Nobody will stay irresistible for the 27 years this will require. Thus,
STEP 2 - NO DAY JOB
b) hardly seems likely to happen, so that leaves only c) - It will make them feel special. Now what kind of reason is this? According to a 1995 article about groupies in - would you believe - the Sunday Times this is the main reason for anyone, or particularly groupies, to have sex with celebrities. That's right, you're gonna be a celebrity!
STEP 2.5 - BECOME A CELEBRITY
The two obvious choices for groupie-attracting celebre career paths are:
Of course 1) might seem the most fun to certain people, but like the porn career path, it just won't do. Unless you're into boccia, snooker or darts (and trust me, groupies are few and far between in those scenes) your career simply won't be long enough. Focus now, my friend, 10,000.... a HUGE number...
STEP 2 going on 3 - MUSIC IT IS THEN!
This might seem intimidating to some people who've never picked up an instrument. However, it's not as tricky as it might seem. The only musical knowledge you'll need is that of four chords. These are G, C, A minor and D. If you're into the blues, it's even easier, E, A and B. If you're into rap - the sky's the limit... Four different chords can be combined in 24 different ways (giving 24 different verses and 24 different choruses, which again can be combined into 24 * 24 = 576 different songs), which at 12 songs per album, an album every other year, can last you a healthy - that's right - twenty-four years. As for lyrics, I personally recommend a continuous focus on inter-humanoid relationships. But hey, who am I, it's up to you...
Of course, you might carefully want to choose your audience. While boy bands may have a huge following, its very composition may well violate the spirit behind step one. (Except of course in the case of the esteemed Justin Timberlake, but his case for one focuses on quality rather than quantity, and secondly probably is just another omen signalling the Apocalypse.)
Rightyo. You've now got the material (whatever you make of that), you've got the perfect timing, let's go.... Where would you now meet your following? Of course, on the road! Let's do the math:
You will, of course, have an intense schedule. 200 shows a year, on average. Now how does a typical day on the road look?
1) Arrive at new location
...are you thinking what I think you're thinking?
2 times 200 women then, a year, making you achieve your goal in a mere - let's see - 25 years! You're only 43!! Now all you need is verification of your claim, so for God's sake,
STEP 4 - KEEP COUNT!!
Some people, using a knife, an axe or power tools, like to make a notch or a small carving on their guitar or bed or whatever after having slept with a woman. This is not recommended in your case, as it might be counterproductive. Your bed, let alone your guitar - will probably collapse, at one time or another. Don't!
But how do you know you haven't done someone twice?
Ehh.., uhh... you might of course ask, but - let's not even go there.
Nevermind. You're 43 - WELL DONE!!!
Sit back and relax, and enjoy a good barbecue with your wife (number 10,001) and kids, you've earned it! It's a beautiful day, but who's that? That be a mighty solid stream of kids approaching?! Oh yes, did it maybe turn out that the condom was only 99% effective leaving a hundred women potentially pregnant and maybe even a good fifty of them giving birth - who are you then, Jim? And you must be Bob, Terry Joe, Bill Jonas, Kelly - good to see you and little Mary, always the charming one and ... aaaarrggghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
* - Note
: I didn't want to tamper
too much with my original posting, but as many people have pointed out to me over the course of the day, the NBA player
in question is indeed Wilt Chamberlain