For those who don't know or don't remember, E2 actually has Achievements to unlock. Unfortunately, many of those Achievements are no longer achievable by virtue of having been time-sensitive, by virtue of the associated usergroups being defunct, or by virtue of requiring you to be Nate.

I propose a resorting of the Achievements page into three headers:

My Achievements
Achievements you've collected. You have reached NUMBER out of a total of NUMBER attainable achievements.

Available Achievements
Achievements you've yet to earn. Go get 'em!

Unachievable Achievements
These achievements are no longer available without the use of a time machine. Shucks!

That way the ones that are unavailable due to having occurred in 2008 or whatnot can be separated for us newbie plebs to admire without getting mixed in with the ones that can actually be gotten. This would also open the door to having future time-sensitive achievements. I also wonder if it would be possible for Cool Man Eddie to send a notification of the achievement, or if a notification could pop up in the side like experience points do.

And because I think way too much about this stuff, here's a bunch of suggestions for Achievements because why not.

Biographer: Write 100 daylogs that don't get nuked

Poet: Write 100 poems that don't get nuked

Researcher : Write 100 nonfiction write ups

Novelist: Write 100,000 words of fiction on E2 (OR write 100 fictional write ups. I don't know if a multiple-WU word counter is a thing).

Scholar: Have something published in an academic journal. (Credit to legbagede)

Professional Author: Have any work professionally published (whether it was hosted on E2 or not)

E2 Professional Author: Have a work that was previously hosted on E2 professionally published

Arsonist: Fireball 100 people

Chatterbox Egg Breaker: use 1000 Chatterbox egg commands

Titanium Noder: 100 Write ups in a month

Draft Hoarder: Have 100 drafts

Draft Master: Have 500 drafts

Nodeshell Savior: Rescue 50 Nodeshells

Nodeshell Neglector: Create 50 Nodeshells

Try Again: Have 10 writeups nuked

Pariah: Have 50 writeups nuked

Poster Child: Get on the front page of the site 5 times

Attention Hog: Have ONLY your write ups on the front page

Lunch: Get eaten by EDB

Cuddlebug; Get hugged by the Giant Teddy Bear

Trend Setter: Create a node that gets five+ writeups inside

Speedmaster: Maintain a high score on the noding speedometer for at least two months (that way Iron Noder doesn't cut it)

Halloween Haunt: participate in the Halloween Horrorquest

Source of Wit: Participate in a Brevity Quest

Patron of the Arts Support an E2 quest by putting up a real-world prize

Quest Master: Run an E2 Quest

If you have any suggestions for Achievement suggestions, feel free to /msg me and I'll add them.
My thanks to Rancid_Pickle and CultureAndOrCrisis for brainstorming with me.