And here begins another holiday season...
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. This is going to be my first Thanksgiving as a married woman, and my first Thanksgiving as the host(ess?) of a dinner. Its going to be just my mother, my husband, and I, but that's still a daunting prospect. Our first dinner party - horrors! So, as you can imagine, I've been trying to clean things up in the four and a half main rooms that we will have a guest in. These rooms are the living room, dining room, kitchen, bathroom, and tiny "room" near the bottom of stairs where my bill paying desk is. I guess you could call it a foyer. I've got most of this done, just one more bookcase to sort out and the dining room table to finish cleaning up. The problem is my husband.
The fact that I'm so annoyed with him right now that I can barely speak does not bode well for a Happy Thanksgiving at Zari's house. He knows that we've had to clean up since last week, since before that even. And granted, we did have a lot of work going on with painting our hallway and foyer last week. However, I have still been trying to get the cleaning done. I've been trying to sort out piles of books and magazines, and put away or recycle the things that we don't need. But, when I try to touch his stuff (mostly books) and get it put into a bookcase where he can find it again, he gets all pissy with me. "What if I can't find it again??", he asks. Well, we have bookcases in two rooms, so it will be in a bookcase in one of the two rooms. I put books in the cases grouped by subject (travel, home improvement, philosophy, etc), so it won't be too hard to find a book you need. I explain this, and he still gets pissed off. So, I tell him that he can put those away and then he will be able to find them again easily. Problem solved, right? Nope.
This was three days ago. The books haven't moved. Thanksgiving is tomorrow. On Sunday, two tables that were in his office mysteriously appeared in the living room. He's sorting things out in there, and doesn't need those tables anymore as they have been replaced by bookshelves. He said he would take them to the basement two days ago. They haven't moved either and they are slowly becoming a dumping ground for more things that he needs to put away.
I wanted to get the cleaning done before today so that we wouldn't be freaking out about Mom coming over and running around today like crazy trying to put things away when we should be relaxing and not stressing about Thanksgiving. But no, that won't happen simply because he won't put things away when I ask him to. I don't want to play Nagging Mommmy or Nagging Wifey, but the situation is so frustrating!! If he doesn't have time to put his books away, then I will take care of it. I don't mind helping. I want to help so we can get everything done. If he doesn't have time to sort through the pile of recipes on the kitchen table, I don't mind putting them all in an envelope for him to take care of later and putting the envelope with the cookbooks. But no, he wants to do it himself, won't let me help and get things done, the books and everything else remain in the same place, then he wonders why I'm tense and pissy.
He's cooking Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow, so right now he's in the middle of messing up the kitchen making an apple cake for tomorrow's dessert. I spent the last two days getting the kitchen cleaned up, washing all the pots and pans, and putting appliances away. I'm trying not to get mad about this, but at the same time, I am. I know he's cooking dinner tomorrow, which I appreciate, because he is a better cook than I am. However, when he cooks, he seems to use every bowl, cup, and plate in the house, then spills a good portion of the ingredients on the counters and floors. Cleaning the kitchen is my job since he does the laundry, and its not that I mind doing my job - I just don't understand why he has to use so many fucking dishes to bake a cake! You need a measuring cup, mixing bowl, measuring spoons, and maybe another bowl to crack eggs in. That's it. Somehow, he ends up using twice as many dishes to accomplish the same final result. It drives me batty.
..another deep breath..
I was hoping for a nice, mellow, happy-go-lucky kind of holiday season because I am finally in a stable relationship with a stable financial situation and a stable living situation. But no, I'm pissed off and feeling mighty crazy. I want to get it out of my system, but I'm afraid if I go down the stairs and talk to him, I'm going to scream at him. So, I'll stay right where I am for now, hiding up in my room with the only sounds being the hum of the computer fan and the cat snoring in the chair across the room.
On top of all this anger directed at my husband right now, I'm turning into a semi-nervous wreck regarding my mother coming over for Thanksgiving. I'm guessing that tomorrow will be full of subtle disapproval from my mother, since I don't have a job and I am basically being a housewife at the moment. No, it doesn't matter that I'm taking classes part time, finally doing some writing, and generally trying to enrich myself and figure out what path I want to take. I don't have a job, and therefore I suck. My mother and sister have the very bad habit of equating money with happiness, self worth, and general well being. Yes, having money is nice, but it isn't the only thing in life worth having. It won't make you happy.
It would be nice if my sister and her fiance had accepted my invitation for dinner, because then I wouldn't be the focus of the pointed, "so... have you looked at the employment ads recently?" questions. But, sis turned down our invitation to have dinner at my dad's. I'm not sure why. The food at Dad's will not be nearly as good as what my husband will make, even though it isn't turkey (he hates turkey) and all the trimmings. She will have to tolerate screaming children, my grandmother and her wacko husband, and all that fun stuff. They turned me down, and I can't decide if I should be insulted or not.
My sister has been planning her wedding in semi-secrecy since August. She didn't even bother to call me to tell me she got engaged!! I found out about the engagement from my father as he was driving my husband and I to the airport to catch our flight for our honeymoon. When Alex and I got engaged, she was the second person I called. Her excuse - she was really "busy" with work and didn't get a chance to call. He popped the question on the weekend, and we left on our honeymoon that following Wednesday. Whatever. Even if she didn't have time to call, she could have emailed me!
..yet another deep breath - fucking daylog from hell!..
So, my sister is getting married next year. She did not ask me to go dress shopping with her. She did not call me when she found a dress - I found out from my mother that she found a dress. She has not brought up who will be in her wedding party. She was my maid of honor since I don't have any close female friends. I don't expect her to reciprocate, but it would be nice if she would tell me one way or another. I get the feeling that she is embarassed to have me as her sister, and that if I threw her a bridal shower she'd be embarassed to introduce me to her friends from work and college and embarassed to bring them to my house. I've had this feeling about her for a long time, simply because I am not very conventional at all, have done some crazy shit in the past, don't care about clothes and makeup, listen to weird music, and do things my way. I've never had this "vibe" from her come at me so strong until now though.
I'm so angry and hurt and just flat out upset about everything - my husband, my mother, my sister - that I can't even see straight. And I'm supposed to have a Happy Holiday Season ™ with all this crap inside me? Fat chance of that.
I am trying to stay focused on the positive, but its so hard. I know that I am extraordinarily blessed this year, with a husband and a home and good health. I just wish that I could feel like my mother and sister accepted me as is and loved me unconditionally, instead of always making me feel like I'm less of a person because I don't have the same goals in life as they do. If I could have only one thing for Christmas this year, that would be it. I know I haven't always been the best daughter/sister in the world, but I have worked hard to change that in the last few years through therapy and medication, and they know this. Yet, I still feel like they disapprove of me and think I'm a slacker with no goals in life.
So, now the question is... post this or just let it sit on my hard drive and be grateful that I got it out of my system?
Fuck it, I'll post it. I hope everyone has a good Thanksgiving. Please remember to celebrate Buy Nothing Day on Friday (the day after Thanksgiving) and don't drink and drive.