Rewritten December 28th 2000:
Tweaked a bit December 10th 2004:

Church of the SubGenius is a little more than just another Texas-Based UFO Death Cult. The religious doktrine centers around their founder, J. R. "Bob" Dobbs. "Bob" is the Living Avatar of slack and Saint of Sales on planet Earth. They prescribe to the healing powers of Excremeditation, examine trance-spouted prophecy, and speak of the day when Jehovah-One will send the X-ists to this world from the Planet X with the Alien Space Goddesses to whisk away all truly worthy SubGenii from this place and then rain hellfire and brimstone on the pink The Conspiracy and its dupes, the pinkboys and the Normals. SubGenii seek out Short Duration Personal Saviors and realize that with all the Jesii throughout history, even if one of them is the True Messiah, there's dozens that are not. All True SubGenii are Yeti-descendants, which might explain why some of them are so damned hairy. The Church does not prescribe to forgive you of your sins or wipe your sins clean in any messy lamb's blood. "Bob" is NOT the Son of God (although J.C. is now on the payroll). The Church of the SubGenius gives you an all-inclusive excuse for your sins.

The Sacred Post Office Box of the Church of the SubGenius was 140306 in Dallas, Texas 75214, but I think it's moved. It's also schismed so much that who is actually in charge of things can be argued. The Keyholders to the P.O. Box are Sacred Scribe Reverend Ivan Stang and The Lord Jesus Christ aka Jesus Bevaquila. Pastor Buck Naked used to help out Stang, but he did too many jokes about Dick Armey and committed the worst sin that exists in the Church: he stopped being funny. SubGenii speak of prying open your third eye and pulling the wool over your own eyes so you can relax in the safety of your own delusions, cuz pretty soon you'll get tired of those delusions and start thinkin' for yourself. That's what "BOB" wants you to do.

To quote from Pope David Meyer, "the church might be a joke, BUT IT'S A JOKE YOU CAN BELIEVE IN!"