Being a certified U.S. Government Elite Toaster Repairman I can personally deny any involvement of the Government of the United States in any form of conspiracy, collusion, misinformation campaign or intelligence gathering effort involving kitchen appliances of any sort. This includes but is not limited to: Toasters, Refrigerators, Blenders, Percolating and Auto Drip Coffee Making Apparatus, Gasoline/Electromechanical Sexual Gratification Devices, Spoons, Spatulas, Food Processing Equipment (automated, virtual, and otherwise), RS-232 Terminals, Microwave Ovens, Garbage Disposals, Flatware (both sterile and soiled,) Ornithopters, Automatic Kitty Boxes, the Funny Black Circle on The Wall That Looks Suspiciously Like a Lens That We Assure You is Not, and the ubiquitous Unidentifiable Foil Wrapped Package in the Freezer.

Furthermore, Your Government would like for me to inform you that it has no need to monitor the activities of its citizens whilst they putter happily in a state of culinary bliss. The right of any American to prepare and consume a somewhat large 2 pound bag of Tater-Tots(TM) with Aunt Jemima syrup while talking to oneself about Jennifer Anniston's nether regions is completely their own. Especially at 4:32 A.M. Right Stan? Pay your cable bill too, we're getting tired of your illogical and poorly thought out conspiracy theory concerning price fixing in the cable television industry. We had nothing to do with that. You are right about the alligators though, we thought it was a nice touch.

Thank you from Your Completely and Totally Benign Government. Good day, and don't forget to vote.