. I've been pretty much away for a while... I'll cite stress
, and temporary insanity
as thin excuses, if anyone actually missed me enough to need an excuse.
Life's pretty different now. VERY different, even.
I'm on indefinate medical leave from school. It just plain GOT to me. My anxieyt got out of control and I needed to step back until I was saner. I start my new job Monday--it's a shortterm, till the end of August, the bastard child of web design, reporting, and copy editing. It'll let me pad my resume with a good recommendation, with no quitting or being fired. I'll be taking on another job, at least short-term, until Christmas at the soonest.
Ideally, my plan would be to wait until mcc graduates (a year, year and a half from now), move away, both get jobs (ideally in California, Bay Area), work long enough to get state residency, then go back part-time, nights, until I can bring my grades up enough to transfer into Berkely for my final semester/year.
ALso, well... there are other major changes that have occoured. I'll just post a livejournal entry from a few days ago instead of trying to re-write it, at this point...
I..... I can't believe it.
A moment I've spent the past five or six years dreading has passsed... and I'm still here to talk about it. I'm not a whimpering pile on the floor.
I talked to my parents for the first time in four years, quite likely more. For about five hours...
We talked about a lot of the issues behind my anxiety problems. Why I can't trust them. Why I can't trust ME. My adoption, and a lot of nasty emotional reactions therein.
I think they finally understand where I'm coming from, at least a bit. I know dad does; mom's still processing.
We're going to start making some calls tomorrow so that I can start tracking down my half sister (same birth mother, different men, both adopted to different families.) We're going to start making some progress there.
...........and, in the process of the conversation...
since it made sense in context...
I ended up outing myself from the broom closet.
Mom's reaction was "I know."
Dad's was "so what does that mean"?
I explained in brief to dad (it was abotu 4 am at the time), and he said "That really doesnt' seem different from what I believe, in living life and treating others, save that you see a woman and I see a man. Ok. Can we go to barnes and noble tomorrow and you can get me some books so I can learn some more?"
I asked mom "HOW did you know?" She basically said "I actually didn't, I just strongly suspected. Something your freshman roommate said on the phone made me start wondering. But I accepted it as a very likely probabilyt, did some research... I don't agree with you, but... I got over the emotional shock years ago, and was ready for the eventuality. We can talk about it, I'm past overreacting. That's already out of my system."
I... just plain don't know how to respond.
This is the argument I was covnicned would have them pack me up from school, drag me home, and lock me up until I had been de-posessed by a priest. Convinced it would cost me everything I had.
And now it's over, and... I don't know how to process it. I keep waiting for the other shoe... but I dont think there IS another shoe for once, and that in itself is a shock.