*does a little happy dance of joy*

for those of you who've been following, i've been having troubles of late. I was on academic probation from last semester because i had insomnia and barely went to class for two months, i was so ill. Nearly literally had a nervous breakdown. Actaully i probably did, i was just too incoherent to realize it. Failed all my classes, save one 'd'.

This semester, life is going fine and dandy. Mcc's joined me at college, no more long distance relationship, it's all good. We're terribly happy, school's good, i have friends again, it's all warm and fuzzy.

Then health issues strike again. i've developed fairly severe hypoglycemia. I'm still learning to deal with it, regulate my diet, still learning to deal with the mood swings that occour when i don't eat enough, or the right things. Still trying to cope with the sickness i feel when i have too little, or too much, sugar in my system. It's fairly hellish, there's a remote possibility it could become, in years, diabetes. my biggest fear because i am deathly afraid of needles. I have a series of severe attacks, and i miss classwork in two of my four classes. At this point, if nothing is done, i am failing out of college. I'm on probation and failing 6 credit hours, due to missed work--one class had only 3 tests and i'd missed one.

I talk to the ADA chapter. i talk to my professors. i go see a counselor. I talk to damn near everyone i know to talk to. No dice. ada says 'we need your bloodwork first'--it's still lost in the mail to this day. they say 'have your dr call us'. the dr said 'im two months backlogged in calls, its flu season. have them call me and i'll talk.' they wont call her. My spanish teacher insists there's nothing wrong with my health, even with two doctor's notes. I'm just a "slacker who's skipping class for no reason". She won't help me. Finally i talk to my theatre teacher instead of crossing wires with her time and again, and she's wonderful. I'd been afraid of her because she'd been gruff but she was wonderful and sweet and helpful and let me make up everything with no penalty. It's all good. Except for spanish, which never will be.

Until i see my academic advisor. We calculate my grades. I know one final grade--a solid B. The other three are borderlines: a/b b/c, and d/f (spanish, suprised?) If i get the lower of the two in all three classes... my graduation gpa will be a 1.49 i need a 1.5 to stay in school. they do not round. If i get the higher in any of the three, i'm all kinds of ok. I find this out four days before finals. I'm petrified.

I take my finals, one by one, panicking the entire time. What will i do if i fail out? My parents will try to make me stay in houston, where i am utterly miserable. I'm tired of the city, living with them would kill me, my friends are at school and i just spent a year apart from my love i can take no more of that. But the only way to return to west lafayette is to get an apartment here, pay my own rent, get a job, buy a car, and be on my own. I don't know how ot do this. i don't know how to handle money. I don't know how to be grown up. At all. I've had money, enough to buy my trinkets, but never enough to matter, or to leanr how to use it. I know one day and maybe soon i'll walk away and pay myself. But i'm not ready now.

and i take my tests. and i return to houston. and i worry. i worry nonstop, completely and utterly. i wake up each morning, fearing grades have been posted. i can barely function. .01 of a point may have just cost me college. and i wait, and i worry. i eat sushi, wednesday, with my love. and he lets slip, grades are in fact up. i panic... but then decide to let it go for three hours. i go see Lord of the Rings and am utterly blown away. utterly and completely, it surpasses any expectations i had. then i go back to my house--not home, purdue is home. and i wait till he signs online. then after some coaxing, and preparing for the rest ofmy life to be shaped in that moment, i look.

I got not one, but two, of the borderline grades i needed. I'm in, i'm still here, and i'm damn well staying put. not QUITE good enough to get off probation, but pretty fucking close. and a far shot from failing out, now, too.

thank you to all who listened to me, tried to comfort and advise me, prayed for me, and offered any kind of help i could need. it meant the world to me, to know people cared. you guys are amazing, truly amazing. i love this place. it is a community. i love you all. thank you so much...