Two days after my birthday I'm still a litlle underwhelmed, unlike most birthdays this one was met with much bru-ha-ha before hands, but on the day nothing special happened. No presents, just lunch walking around Barnes and Noble
and nothing. I know this is nothing to worry about, and when I get older that will be the norm, but when you're turning 17 you sort of expect more, you expect your mother to call you for instance.
Another year has gone by in my life, a year of so much change in my life it's amazing, my first year of really growing up and becoming independant, soon, in just another far too fast year I will be 18 and legally all to myself. It is a scary thought, that then I'll have to handle my life myself, and yet it's very exciting, the freedom, the ability to do things the way i want, to not be too tied down to the parental shame thing, that will be gorgeous.
So now I'm up too late, it's almost tommorow and I'm alone, and with no one to talk to, so I'm talking to you, random everything user out there. I've never met you, and nor will I, but I write to you because I don't know you.
My intellectual life is yet again motivated by older authors, but recently I picked up William Golding's Darkness Visable, such a strange trip that is. I am still trying to read through one of the stories in John Fowles' Ebony Tower. John Fowles is one of the most interesting authors I've read in my mind. The sensuality of his work and it's pacing captivates me, and I find myself reading his work untill late in the night.
Musically I'm trying to break out of the mold, I just got one of Rasputina's cds; "Thanks for the Ether", it reminds me of the forests and fairy tale castles of the Loire river valley in France I visited last year. It's a haunting feeling of darkness and oldness, a feeling that resonates deep inside of me. Few bands can reach that deep inside of my emotional core.
I also got a Die Form cd, Die Form is a French industrial goth band, very interesting sounds and very much brings to mind the feelings that the dungeons in the castles in France brings to mind and the feelings de Sade makes you feel.
Life is fascinating, and is always what intrests me in this world. To understand the richness and deepness of our emotions and the undercurrents of this world still, and will always, be the main things I will try to understand and experience.
Why we hate so much is a question I must ask... why do we hate, what purpose does it have? I don't understand, I really don't.
Stupid people I know in great amounts, and those stupid people mostly hate me, oh well, not my fault, it's theirs as far as I can tell. My stupidity helped, but I'm not holding onto hate and pain, I'm trying to learn from my mistakes, but it doesnt make much affect on some stupid people. I don't feel like going into detail.
Loneliness, I hope you understand reader, that's what causes me to write this long and winded day log, loneliness and nothing better to do, I'm sorry for wasteing your time, but thanks for reading anyways, it's always appreaceated that someone will at least read even if it is a waste of their time, so thank to you dear reader, thanks and goodbye.